


End of Days

by theenvygreen (benjji2795)



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-24 01:58:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 28,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4901179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benjji2795/pseuds/theenvygreen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All good things must come to an end. And both Jude and Connor will learn this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_*16 DAYS UNTIL DEPARTURE*_

There’s nothing harder than not being selfish. Connor was leaving Jude, and with a few weeks to spare, Jude fought himself tooth and nail not to tell Connor to buck up and deal. It’s not that Jude didn’t care if Connor suffered, but even just imagining the void left after he left for LA was so hollowing and cold that Jude shivered from the thought. Jude had virtually no friends outside of Connor, and “Let’s face it”, he thought, “I’m not the most outgoing guy ever.” 

  
  The family had just gotten home from Callie’s adoption, and after such a day, everyone pretty much wanted nothing more than to drop dead on their beds. And so Jude got undressed, and put on his pyjamas, took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. Not 30 seconds after laying down, his phone buzzed.

  
_Connor: “Thx for what you said, I’m gonna miss you so much I don’t know what I’m gonna do”_

  
Jude looked at the text, internally agreeing.

  
_Jude: “Ur telling me.”_ Jude sent back quickly, half-way between regretting and hoping Connor noticed the bitterness in his text, despite the selfless talk he had given Connor not even two hours earlier.

Meanwhile, a slightly misty eyed Connor read the cold text, and blinked away the tears gathering in his eyes.

  
_Connor: “Are you mad at me? Please don’t be, I’m so so sorry. I love you. I hope you still love me too.”_

  
Jude’s mixture of irritation, sadness, loneliness, and compassion rose a little too high, and he too began blinking and fighting away a few tears. He instantly regretting his bitter reply to his boyfriend, hating himself for showing any anger at all towards Connor. 

  
_Jude: “I’m sorry, I’m really not. I just don’t know what to do with myself right now. But I suppose there’s not much I can do but try to make the best of the time we have left. Of course I still love you.”_

  
Connor’s breath became a little ragged in his attempts to fight full on sobbing. “What the hell am I thinking? I’m leaving my best friend, because I can’t man up and just deal with my dad, yet I’m telling him I love him when I can’t even do him the kindness of staying in the same city…” he thought to himself. He squeezed his eyes shut, he shivered, and took a deep breath, all in order to be able to just reply to Jude’s text without curling up into a ball and dying.

  
_Connor: “Oh okay, sorry. Maybe I can come over tomorrow? ;)”_

  
_Jude: “I’ll ask. I’d really like that. Maybe we can finish what your dad interrupted!”_ Jude said bravely, blushing and putting his head in his pillow at his bravado.

  
Connor saw the text, a wide grin stretching across his face, so happy that Jude wanted exactly what he wanted. This new physical part of their relationship was new, and they both were still quite nervous when it came to showing their affection to each other. And he was happy that Jude was more than willing to test the waters so bravely.

   
Jude nervously awaited Connor’s reply. What was taking so long? Had he gone too far? Jude’s heart raced on after seeing the typing symbol, dying of excitement and anxiety. Finally the reply came.

  
_Connor: “Omg yes!! Tbh getting caught might’ve been worth it!”_ Plenty of heart eyes emojis followed.

   
Jude giggled and blushed at his boyfriend’s eagerness to share more intimate moments together. They texted until they both fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_*15 DAYS UNTIL DEPARTURE*_

Jude awoke the next morning to the sound of a few birds outside. A few seconds a bliss before the events of the previous day rushed back to his head. “Oh yeah, Connor’s leaving me to rot.” He thought bleakly. He checked his phone.

  
_Connor: “I’m guessing you finally passed out? Well talk to you in the morning! ily!”_

  
Jude managed to crack a weak smile.

  
_Jude: “Sorry! I always fall asleep first! Are you awake?”_

  
He raised up, he normally would rather die than wake up early on a Saturday, but he had to ask his moms if Connor could come over, and he dare not waste a minute, despite how much sleep clung to his eyelids. 

  
Of course his mothers said yes, and then promptly fell back to sleep themselves. Jude brushed his teeth, perhaps in anticipation of War of Tongues: Act Two. He returned to his phone, finding Connor up as well.

  
_Connor: “Yep! So when should I head over? My dad said yes.”_

  
_Jude: “ASAP”_

  
_Connor: “See you in a few!”_

  
Jude smiled at his boyfriend’s eagerness once again, excited that he would be over soon. Jude decided against changing out of his pyjamas, instead choosing to shower and put on a fresh set of pyjamas, and also decided that he would rather lay in bed with Connor all day rather than go out. He’d rather spend these last weeks with Connor alone, and no one else. He needed to soak up Connor’s affection, attention, and savor it. Perhaps he could use the memories of these times to help him get through the distance that was about to be thrust between them. The rest of the family continued to sleep the day away, and Jude didn’t blame them. He was thankful Jesus chose to go out to his friends the night before, and stay the night. Connor arrived within 10 minutes, dressed fully, making Jude feel a little embarrassed.   
“Hey! Where is everyone?”  
“Shh, still asleep, I kind of want them to stay that way. No interruptions!” he giggled. Connor blushed remembering the ulterior motives they both had.  
After skulking up to Jude’s room, Connor asked, “What’s with the pyjamas, dude?”

“Oh…sorry, I just kind of wanted to stay here with you all day today. I kind of wanted to stay comfortable…ya know?…” He trailed off. Connor instantly felt bad for mentioning it.  
“Oh no they’re cute! I just feel stupid and overdressed now, haha…Have an extra pair? Can’t beat em, join em!” Jude blushed, and gave Connor a pair of sleep shorts. He pulled down his jeans, exposing a cobalt blue pair of tight boxers. Jude’s breath hitched, caught off guard by his boyfriend’s sudden exposure. He pulled his eyes, away, after getting caught staring by eye contact. Connor sat down on Jude’s bed, and took his hand.   
“You know you’re allowed to look right?”  
Jude’s cheeks flushed deeply, “Oh…sorry…I didn’t mean to…I just-“  
“Don’t be sorry, no one else I’d rather have look at me!”  
They giggled together. Jude’s ulterior motives surfaced, and he faked a yawn. “Ya know, I kind of just want to go back to bed for a little while.” He laid back and scooted up the bed, and go under his covers. Connor was left with his mouth open, and then smiled, taking his boyfriend’s hint. He crawled under the covers with Jude, and laid on his side so that he could wrap his arm around jude’s thin waist. Jude then turned towards Connor, putting his hands up on Connor’s chest and scooted in as close as possible.  Connor deeply inhaled the smaller boy’s hair, still wet from his shower. “So sweet, and so…right? Is there even another word for it?” He thought to himself, and closed his eyes, just feeling Jude’s warmth against him, and feeling the world stop. He felt Jude’s cold toes rub against his own, and he smiled, and placed his leg over Jude’s, trying to get as deeply tangled and close as he possibly could. He kissed Jude’s forehead. Jude returned the favor with a kiss to his collarbone. He ran his fingers over Connor’s tanned exposed skin from his tank top, soliciting a chill from him. Connor’s arm lowered slightly, to rest on the top of the curve of Jude’s bottom. Jude licked his lips in anticipation of what was to come. He tilted his head up, almost in reassurance that it was time to resume their session. Their eyes met, Connor’s mouth slightly open, and he closed the distance. He breathed in the experience with his senses, his lips meeting Jude’s warm, slightly wet lips, the feeling of Jude’s smooth nose touching his face, Jude’s hands cupping his face, his small, delicate, cool fingers, so gently touching his face. Jude. Jude. Jude. His arms tightened around the boy. He sucked on Jude’s fat bottom lip. The boy let out a breathy moan and they both pushed their hips together. They stayed like this for nearly over an hour, exploring one another and getting in a daily recommended dose of grinding and sexual tension. The occasional giggle from Connor from Jude’s touches being just a little too tender and Connor being a little too ticklish, the occasional gasp from Jude brought upon by an unexpected butt grab, neither of them were ready to go past this sort of play, however this right here was just enough…for now.


	3. Chapter 3

_(14 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

The tender moments of the weekend had bled away come Monday morning. As if reality wasn’t cruel enough, Jude had taken to comparing his classes that didn’t have Connor in them to what it would be like after he left.  
“Is it going to just be like this all the time? Just sitting here working my way through school, no fucking reward?” He thought to himself. “I guess for once, I’ll actually have to try to make friends outside of Connor. Sure, there’s Taylor. But seeing as Daria is around her constantly, she’s not really an option, and I don’t think Daria’s is exactly my biggest fan.” Even though Jude had came a long way from being that shy little boy in the back of the class, without Connor, he was still basically invisible and let’s face it, not the most outgoing boy in the world.   
The bell rang, snapping Jude out of his head, and back to the real world. “Alright class, I’m going to need you to break into groups!” The rest of the class jumped to their friends immediately, and were ecstatic. Jude couldn’t exactly say the same about himself, it was as the universe was already shoving it in his face that he really didn’t have any friends at all. He decided this was as good a time as any to break out of his shell. He glanced around, and saw a boy with shaggy light blonde hair to the back. His name was Levi. Jude walked up quickly, before anyone else could partner up with him. God forbid Jude be the last picked.   
“Hey, uh, do you wanna partner up? I don’t have any friends in this class, haha…” He scratched the back of his head nervously.  
“Sure! So you’re Jude right?” He said with a pleasant tone. His demeanor relaxed Jude a little bit. “Maybe this won’t be so hard after all.” Jude thought to himself.  
“Yeah! You’re Levi, aren’t you?”  
“That would be a yes. So, don’t take this the wrong way please, but…um, aren’t you dating that Connor guy?” Jude felt his sense of security pulled out from underneath him.  
“Yeah…yeah he’s m-my boyfriend.” “Stop stuttering, he just asked a question you idiot!” His thoughts flooded.   
“Oh…that’s cool! So do you play PS3 or Xbox or anything?” Jude exhaled his anxiety. They quickly finished the class assignment, and talked all hour about Star Wars and about Connor. Levi surprised Jude with his questions, and his deep interest in Jude and his family. Jude half expected him to be awkward after he told him that Connor and he were dating.   
“So hey, you’re pretty cool. You should eat lunch with me today, since its my first year here, I usually just sit with random people. It’d be nice to not have to do that today.” Levi’s quickness with words and complete lack of fear towards social situations blew Jude’s hair back. He had met his opposite. He got through his next 3 classes pretty well, Connor being there gave Jude his spine back.    
“So you ready to go to lunch?” Connor asked after he had put his books away.  
“Yeah, but Levi is going to sit with us today, he’s pretty nice.”   
“Levi? Levi Green?” Connor asked, a little bit of urgency catching in his voice.  
“Yeah, we got partnered up today in Life Science, it’s his first year here, so I told him he could sit with us.”   
“Oh…okay, that’s cool I guess.” Connor couldn’t keep the disappointment out of his voice. He couldn’t help the fact that since he decided to move, he wanted nothing more than to spend almost every minute with Jude. To try and squeeze every little bit of contact out of every moment that he possibly could.   
Jude gave him a curious look, but left it alone.   
They reached the table, Levi already waiting.   
“Hey, what’s up?” He said to Connor smoothly.  
“Just lunch. Obviously.” He shot back. Jude, surprised at his tone, looked at him but said nothing.  
“Whoa there, calm down. I didn’t run over your dog or anything. Thanks for having lunch with me today though, everyone’s kind of self involved, so all I do is just refresh my instagram feed all lunch hour.” He smiled warmly and chuckled.   
Connor got quiet, his rude tone shot down and disarmed so quickly it gave him whiplash.   
Jude glanced at Connor, he stared at his food without looking at Levi. “Could he be…jealous..?” Jude thought, a smile cracking on his face.  
“So Connor, you play baseball right?”   
“Uh, yeah. You?”   
“Nah, not really. I like it, I just suck at it. Lucky you though. So Jude told me that you were leaving in a few weeks. I was thinking maybe we should come to one of your games sometime before you left!”  
“Who the hell is this guy? Why did Jude tell him?” Connor thought to himself, getting so angry that his annoyance with this guy was getting disarmed so quickly and for lack of a better phrase…killed with kindness. Levi truly seemed to be a nice guy.  
“Sure…I guess. That’d be cool.” He said flatly.  
“Sounds like a plan!” He smiled at Jude and Connor.

Lena offered Connor a ride home, and Jude and he sat at their bench outside the school, waiting for Lena to get finished with some work.  
“So what do you think of that Levi dude?” Connor asked anxiously.  
“He’s pretty cool, I need friends anyway because after you leave, I’m gonna have like, no friends. Plus eating lunch alone sucks.” Jude giggled. Connor didn’t think it was quite as funny.  
“Oh…yeah that’s probably a good idea. Just be careful, okay? There’s a lot of people here who aren’t very nice.” Jude immediately had the creeping suspicion once again that Connor was jealous, and couldn’t stand the fact that life had to go on after he left. He smiled internally, and blushed thinking about how he thought it was kind of cute.   
“Sure, yeah.” He slid his hand over and took Connor’s, and intertwined his delicate fingers with the blonde boy’s bigger fingers. Connor smiled, and gave Jude a quick peck on the corner of his mouth.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3 Act 2  
Connor burst through his door, no longer trying to keep a gentle and content face for Jude and Lena. “Why am I acting like such a fucking child? Jude has one friend and to be honest he needs friends but why does this bother me so fucking much?” He stomped up the stairs and threw his bag down in his room, slamming his door and plopped down on his bed, face in pillow. Connor had never felt such intense jealousy before. Was it even jealousy? He thought long and hard about whether or not he cared if Jude continued to talk to Levi. Sure, he’s actually attractive and a pretty nice guy, but Connor thought rationally for a bit, and decided that the likelihood of Levi even wanting something like…that with Jude was unlikely. After about 30 minutes of deep breathing and pretending to be a weeping willow, Connor realized where these feelings were coming from. Was leaving even worth it? This person that Connor fought so hard to be with for so long, only to ditch and run from them when the going got tough. “Fuck.” He mumbled into his pillow. Jealousy wasn’t Connor’s problem. Connor’s problem was that he couldn’t stand the fact that even if Jude had to move on (God forbid), it would be all his fault, and it would still be currently his fault that Jude has to get other friends. Connor didn’t have a right to be mad when it was all his fault. “All my fault.” These words seared themselves into Connor’s conscience. This wasn’t jealousy. This was guilt. This was self pity.   
He rolled over onto his back, took a deep breath, and took out his phone to text Jude.   
Connor: Heya!  
Jude: What’s up?  
Connor: The usual. Rolling around in bed refreshing instagram and being half asleep till my dad comes home and feeds me  
Jude: Poor Connor, 14 years old and still can’t feed himself. ;(   
Connor: What can I say? I’m helpless. You’re gonna have to be my wife and cook and clean for me. pls  
Jude: You’re terrible! *laughing emoji*  
Jude: However I wish I could sit there and roll around in bed with you. :/  
Connor’s mood improved, and his eyes perked up, and a toothy grin spread across his face at his boyfriend being in a rather sexually charged mood once again.  
Connor: What’s with you lately? You’ve been like a horn dog or something   
Jude: I’m sorry. I’ll stop. I just get carried away I guess. We can talk about something else lol  
Jude blushed and immediately felt his insides being burned by embarrassment.  
Connor: No dude it doesn’t bother me! I like it! It just surprises me coming from you, my child *kissing face*  
Jude exhaled his anxiety once more.  
Jude: Oh okay good cuz I just felt like a fucking whore for a minute. Child? How dare you. i am almost taller than you!  
Connor: You’re just a little baby, practically a cinnamon roll. But yes, I’d like that if you’d come roll around in bed with me. I enjoyed this last weekend a whole lot because of all the rolling we did actually.  
Jude recalled the past weekend’s bump and grind session with vivid clarity and a wide grin.  
Jude: A cinnamon roll? wtf does that even mean  
Connor: It means I want your sweet frosting  
Connor felt his face get hot at his risky text. Was it too far? Am I being nasty?  
Jude: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU. I LITERALLY CANNOT EVEN DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW *Plenty of laughing emojis*  
Connor exhaled, and smiled from ear to ear at his boyfriend’s lighthearted taking of his text.   
Connor: I wasn’t kidding tho


	5. Chapter 5

_(13 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_  

       Connor awoke the next morning in a rather rotten mood. He would swear to himself with each passing day, the impending doom of leaving San Diego took an even bigger toll. “Where is my optimism? It’s supposed to be new, something better. Why can’t I just fucking look forward to it?” He used every ounce of his strength to pull himself out of bed, and get into the shower. He slumped, and relaxed. Attempting to let the water sear the negativity out of him. it was unsuccessful. He pulled on a pair of grey sweats, a t-shirt and a hoodie. Not even having the energy to dress up at all for school. He went downstairs to grab some breakfast, even though to be honest he didn’t have much of an appetite to speak of. His dad was already up, getting ready to leave for work.   
“Is something wrong? You don’t look like you feel well.”  
“Uh…yeah I just didn’t sleep very well last night.”  
Adam knew exactly what was most likely bothering Connor, but it was too early, and honestly it was something that Connor would have to deal with either way. So he let it slide, and pretended to take Connor’s word for it.  
He made a bowl of cereal, and managed to take a whole four bites before he just sat his head down on the counter and closed his eyes. The fact that it was cloudy and misting didn’t help his mood either. He put away his dishes, grabbed his backpack, and waited outside for the bus. Once on, he put his earphones in, sat at the back, and turned on the most slow paced music on his iPod.

At the Foster’s house, Jude’s mood seemed to be quite the opposite of Connor’s. Jude very much liked the rain, and enjoyed the cool weather much more. Although the past few days had been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster, he was determined to make the most out of Connor’s last days in San Diego. He pulled on a deep blue long sleeved shirt, a black denim jacket, and a pair of jeans that had the knees ripped out of them, with a few scattered frays and holes here and there. Lena hated them so much, but Jude liked them a whole awful lot, the worn material was so much softer than anything new. Looking at himself in the mirror, noticing his clothing was quite dark today.  
After Jude arrived at school, he searched for Connor, and found him on a bench. He sat down next to Connor, immediately a little surprised by Connor’s lazy attire.  
“You look comfortable!” He giggled. Jude’s bright attitude managed to make Connor crack a smile.  
“Yeah, I guess I just really didn’t have the energy to dress up today. Maybe its the weather.”  
His solemn tone immediately got Jude’s attention.  
“Are you okay? Is something wrong?”  
“Not really, just one of those days, ya know?”  
“Oh…yeah. So I was thinking, did you want to come over after school today? Everyone’s busy so we’ll have the house to ourselves for a while.”  
As down as Connor was feeling, he still wouldn’t turn down alone time with Jude for anything.  
“Yeah sure, I’ll text my dad and see…” He noticed Jude’s jeans, ones he rarely wore, but Jude’s pale smooth skin peaking through the huge gap on the knees and lower thigh pulled his attention. He reached over and wiggled a finger underneath the material, feeling Jude’s warm ivory skin. “I see you got your whore jeans on today.” This was Connor’s favorite name for these particular pair of pants, and he often teased Jude for their resemblance to Baby’s shredded pants from The Devil’s Rejects.   
“Well you know if I’m ever going to make any money I have to advertise well!”  They laughed loudly together. Jude could always shake a laugh out of Connor.  
Once in their separate classes, Levi took a seat next to Jude.   
“You know, you should grow out your hair.” Levi said somewhat randomly.  
“Haha why?!” Jude never really considered growing out his hair.  
“Cause I think it’d look really cool. Especially if you’re going to keep dressing up.” What was going on? “Is this flirting or is this just Levi’s lack of social ability to be anything other than blunt and forward?” Jude thought to himself.   
“Maybe, I don’t know. Are you sure I won’t look like a girl?” Even Jude was aware he was rather delicate in the face.   
“Who cares? Anyway, you should text me, so we can plan when Connor’s next game is. I wasn’t kidding!”   
“Oh sure! Hang on!” Jude gave Levi his number. The rest of class was pretty much completely filled with some mind numbing worksheet and didn’t allow for much conversation. But it did allow Jude some time to think. “Maybe I would look cool with longer hair…” he thought as he ran his fingers through his short chocolate colored locks. He glanced over at Levi’s dirty blonde hair, his sides and back easily reaching a tiny bit past his shoulders the front a tiny bit shorter, and swept out of his face, revealing a light speckling of freckles and a small upturned nose.

Being sympathetic to Connor, Adam of course had no problem with Connor staying over at the Foster’s home with such a small amount of time left.   
“Okay boys, I’m going to finish some work, and then I’ll get started on dinner. Any requests?” Lena said. Jude shook his head.  
“Not really, usually whatever you make is pretty great.” Connor complimented.  
“You’re too sweet. Well if you guys change your mind let me know!”  
“Okay!” The boys replied in unison as they rushed up to Jude’s room.   
They both threw down their bags and plopped down on the bed laying next to each other. Connor closed his eyes, relaxing a moment after a long day at school. Jude turned his head to Connor, studying his tanned face. He leaned over and gave Connor a quick kiss on his cheek, but keeping his face right next to Connor’s. His eyes shot open, a little bit surprised by the feeling of Jude’s warm wet lips on his cheek. He grinned and turned to his side, returning the favor but directly onto Jude’s mouth. This is what he would miss most. These silent phases with little trinkets of affection shared between them. Not to say he wouldn’t miss the intense makeout sessions, or the innocent grinding during them. But these little connected glances, just studying each other. The way that Jude would lick his lips, and Connor would immediately plant a kiss on them afterward, just wanting to feel that moist warmth for a moment. Jude did just that, and of course Connor couldn’t resist one more slightly longer kiss. He kept their faces close though, and he wrapped his arms around Jude’s tiny waist, he always felt so delicate, so breakable. All the more reason to pull him closer. He kissed the smaller boy once more keeping their lips connected, he slipped his tongue out and gently licked Jude’s plump bottom lip, and he opened his mouth. Connor’s tongue slipped inside and this pulled a gentle exhale from Jude, and he fell limp in Connor’s arms, his hands on the larger boy’s collarbones. Jude’s delicate little fingers slid themselves around Connor’s neck, sending chills all over him. Jude just wanted to melt together with Connor, as if the warmth of being so close didn’t already feel like he was melting. The boys once again fell into their unconscious grinding against one another. Time didn’t seem to pass at all, yet if they knew how it was actually passing, they’d both agree it was too quick.  
“Boys come down and help me set the table!” Their lips pulled apart reluctantly, and their tongues to their own mouths. They groaned, giggled, and smiled at each other. These experiences were growing increasingly endangered.


	6. Chapter 6

_(12 DAYS UNTIL DEPARTURE)_

         “Jude! Wake up!” The comforting familiar voice ripped the boy from his sleep. “Fuck!” he thought. “Honey you overslept! You need to hurry and get ready or we’re going to be late!” Said Lena. Jude whipped from his bed practically sprinted into the shower, body cleansing in hyperspeed. He brushed his teeth and put on clothes in record time. Getting ready within 15 minutes total. He opted for deep navy Vans, a black pair of jeans, and a stone washed grey shirt. The compliments from the previous day on a slightly deeper toned outfit took to heart.   
“Well for someone who got ready at the speed of light, you look awfully dapper today, hon.”   
“Thanks mama!” The Fosters clan loaded into Lena’s car, bidding a quick goodbye and kiss to Stef.   
“Now that I think of it, you’re the only one we haven’t gone back to school shopping for. You’re getting a little too tall for your pants. It almost looks like you’ve got high waters on! What do you think about going after school today?”  
“Sure!”  
“Speaking of new clothes, I’m feeling a bit in need as well!” Mariana chimed in.  
“Need is a strong word!” Jude chuckled back, her already overflowing closet coming to mind.  
“Mariana if you got any more clothes, we’d need to rent a storage building!”  
Mariana put on a fake pouting face, Callie and Jude laughed at her shameless shopping addiction.  
Once at school, it was only seconds before Jude found another somewhat downtrodden Connor, a different pair of sweats, and a different t shirt. As he got close, Levi suddenly sat down at the table, Jude reaching them only a second later.   
“Hey bro, what’s goin’ on?” If there was something that Jude liked about Levi, it was his fearlessness, or maybe ineptitude, in social situations. So outgoing and friendly, it reminded Jude of everything that he wasn’t.   
“Not a whole lot, still half asleep to be honest. How are you today, Connor?” Somewhat hinting towards Connor’s second day in a row of basically being in pajamas.  
“Same old, same old.” He said flatly while resting his chin on his hand. Jude was getting a little tired of the back and forth. He’d be fine as long as they were alone together, but every morning it seemed like his apathy towards everything was getting worse and worse.   
They locked eyes for a minute, Jude shooting him a questioning look, Connor gave a nondescript expression one could barely call anything else but bored.  
“So I’m going to get new clothes today, did you want to go?” Connor raised up and looked like he wanted nothing more than to do exactly that.  
“I want to, but I have our last baseball practice today.” He slumped over once more.   
“Oh, that sucks, maybe if we get done early we can come pick you up from practice or something!”  
“I wanna go!” Levi all but shouted, reminding Jude and Connor that he was there.  
“Okay! I’ll ask my mom.” Jude said a little too happily. Connor got that feeling in his stomach again. The feeling like he just swallowed a pill dry.   
School dragged on for all the boys.  
“Hey” Jude said nervously as he approached Connor after school.  
“Hey there” Finally cracking the smile that Jude missed so much. Jude sat down, and Connor promptly grabbed his hand and squeezed.   
“…So we can talk about it later, but something’s wrong. You know you can tell me anything, right?” Jude questioned.  
Connor looked into those eyes, those piercing doe eyes, the questioning brows, the insecure face he was making, the slightly frowning pink lips. He leaned in, almost forgetting to answer, and gave a quick chaste kiss to the pink lips.   
“Yeah…I’m sorry. This whole moving thing is just making everything so hard. I keep thinking everything is going to be for the last time and its just…”  
“It’s not. Everything is just for now okay? Your dad’s gonna see how bad he’s fucking up and he’s gonna snap into shape okay? Then you can come back and it’ll be just fine again. We just gotta buck up and deal for right now.” Jude wasn’t the best with words. Neither of them were. But Connor understood perfectly, and the meaning behind the words came across just right. He kissed Jude on his cheek, close to his ear, and let out a soft breath. The feeling sent chills across the smaller boy.   
“I’m really sorry for doing this.”  
Jude took one look at the blonde’s pained expression and wrapped him in a delicate but warm hug.   
“You don’t have to apologize for doing what’s best for you. Its okay.”   
They pulled away, the intensity finally leaving.  
“So where’s Levi? I thought he was going shopping with you?”  
“He’s putting up his stuff, he should be here any ti-“   
“AYO!” The shaggy haired boy walked up, the familiar toothy grin upon his face, exposing perfect small teeth.   
“Well I better get going to practice, text me okay babe?”   
“Yeah, sure, see ya!” Wait a minute. “BABE?” He thought. That was new. He blushed a little, wondering if Connor even realized he said it.  
“So are you ready to go, Mr. Foster?” Levi said in a mock Professor Snape voice.  
His complete failure at an impression of a film series Jude knew all too well sent Jude into a laughing fit.  
“Holy crap, that was terrible. Like don’t ever do that again.” Levi gave him a light punch to the arm. Jude recoiled with a loud whine, imitating the noises Voldemort made when he casted spells. Both boys about died at that one.  
“Okay boys, lets go!” Lena appeared and they all left for the mall.

Once there, the boys all but outran Lena and nearly lost her.   
“So what kind of stuff should I buy? I feel like I look like I shop at Baby Gap sometimes.”  
“Well you’re not wrong…” Jude shoved the boy and giggled. “I’m kidding bro, why don’t you get more of the kind of thing you’ve been wearing lately? I thought it was cool.” Jude liked that word. ‘Bro’. He liked the feeling of belonging that came with it. The boys visited several different skate shops, and Jude ended up buying a lot of clothing that was a lot more fitted than he was used to, but after seeing them on, both Lena, Jude, and Levi all loved the new items. Jude found himself getting along with Levi really well. It was a bit odd, it was almost as if they were two sides of the same socially awkward coin. Jude being really quiet and withdrawn, and Levi being somewhat overbearing and a little brash. But even Lena liked his new friend, and found herself drawn into his outgoing friendliness. After they finished, they all settled down for a quick meal at the food court.  
“So Levi, this is your first year at Anchor Beach isn’t it?  
“Yeah, I got adopted about two years ago, and my parents found out they were gonna have a baby, so they thought a change of scenery was in order.” He said dramatically.  
“Wait you’re adopted too?” Jude said, never knowing this about his new found friend.  
“Yeah, I was a foster kid too. I originally lived in Arizona, and my adoptive family had some friends out here, plus they really like LA being pretty close.”  
Jude was a little stunned, having not even known.  
“How come you didn’t say anything about it when you asked me about being adopted?”   
“You seemed really enthused to keep talking about Star Wars so I let you keep going!”  
The boys giggled, and Lena was happy that Jude finally had other friends. It gave her a little hope for when it finally came time for Connor to leave.   
On the way home, Jude decided to text Connor.   
Jude: “Hey sorry shopping ran late and we couldn’t pick you up:(((“  
Connor: “Its all good! How did shopping go? Did Levi talk you into buying a cute tube top and miniskirt?”  
Jude: “Nah, just spaghetti straps, leggings, and UGGs.”  
Connor: “I think I just threw up in my mouth a little not gonna lie”  
Jude: “Shut up! I got legs like a racehorse!”  
Connor: “omg you literally get winded walking up the stairs”  
Jude: “Maybe. Anyway so how was practice?”  
Connor: “Good I guess. It ran a little long cuz i kept hitting the balls so far we had to stop and run out into a field to find them.”  
Jude: “That’s awesome! I can’t wait to see your game. Your baseball pants are kind of my reason for living”

Levi noticed Jude’s big goofy grin while looking at his phone.  
“Did your boytoy send you some naughty pictures? You look awfully happy!” Lena let out a concerned “Whaaaat?!” from the front seat, making Jude blush.  
“No! Shut up Levi! This conversations just funny. I promise Mama, nothing like that!!”  
“Good! Stop trying to break your poor mother’s heart!” Levi laughed. Jude couldn’t help but giggle at the blunt somewhat vulgar sense of humor. Even Lena couldn’t help but laugh.

What Connor failed to mention, was the burning jealousy, yes, this time jealousy, was burning through him, and he channeled all of that into cracking fire into every ball he hit at practice. He threw fireballs with every pitch, and ran like a cheetah catching prey. Even as he settled down, laying in the bathtub, all he wanted to do was snatch Jude up and just cuddle with him in his bed for all eternity. He closed his eyes, trying to imagine the familiar feeling of Jude’s soft brown hair tickling his face, the smell of him, some sort of fruity soap or shampoo, usually syrup, and something else he could never put his finger on, a certain scent that was all Jude. And that scent raised the hair up on Connor’s neck and yet calmed every muscle and cell in his body. Even after he got done with his bath, these thoughts of that scent, and those familiar touches sent him right to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

_(11 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

         Touch. Connor’s favorite touch. Those familiar delicate small fingers ran down his face, tracing under his jaw. Running along his collarbones. Whole hands rubbing his chest now, feeling the contours where his muscles protruded, they drew little circles on his stomach, around his belly button and all over. Connor wrapped his arms around the body that owned the hands, feeling the warm smooth body against his own. It was his turn now to explore. Connor felt the smooth skin of the back, the little ridges of the spine, and found their way down to the waistband of a pair of boxers. He wiggled his fingers underneath it, ready to strike gold.  
ERRR. ERRR. ERRR. ERRR.  
The sound of his alarm yanked and slammed him back into reality. It seemed to always happen this way, right before the best part of the dream he was woke. His dreams seemed to wander between this particular one, and a replays of their two different make out sessions. Glancing at his phone, he checked it for anything new. 2 new messages from Jude.  
“Did you finally pass out before me for once?”   
“Hey before you do! You called me babe today. It was weird. I kind of liked it.”   
Connor couldn’t help but smile, and honestly he was glad his morning started out with those messages. He really didn’t even realize he had called Jude that though. Was it really so weird though? It only felt natural to call Jude names like that.   
“Yeah, I did do that huh. I really didn’t mean to! But if you liked it I sure don’t mind saying it more often. Text me when you get up, Judyyyyyy.” Of course he had to accompany the message with plenty of heart emojis.  
After a long shower spent trying to replay his favorite dreams, among other things, he decided to try and dress up a little. He picked out a cream and navy soft plaid shirt, Jude’s favorite. Mostly because it was a lot tighter than his other shirts, and Connor wondered if it was because of that. Probably.

At the Foster’s house, Jude was excited to wear his new wardrobe. He threw something together the night before after consulting Levi, consisting of a black baseball t shirt with a shiny pair of zeros printed onto the front, a super dark pair of blue jeans (he noticed that they were a lot tighter than he had originally thought), and a pair of high top black Nike’s. He especially liked those. “Now if I actually had any ability with sports” He thought to himself after realizing that a lot of his new wardrobe resembled some sort of sportswear.   
“Oh Jude you look so cute! They might have to send you home if Connor can’t seem to concentrate after seeing those pants though.” Mariana said.  
He blushed a little, not quite sure how to take compliments.   
The usual routine of finding Connor and Levi took only seconds.   
“Wow, you look kinda hot!” Connor got a little self conscious after seeing Jude, almost feeling as if he needed to try even harder to look as good as he felt Jude looked.  
“Thank me, your boy here is borderline incompetent at buying clothes. It took every ounce of strength out of me to talk him out of buying a pair of limited edition Star Wars Vans.” Levi bragged, shaking a little laugh out of Jude.  
“You can’t sit there and pretend they weren’t some of the coolest things you’ve ever seen!”  
“You’re right, I don’t have to pretend because they really weren’t.” Jude shoved the boy.  
Connor felt that familiar jealousy rise up, so irritated that shopping together wasn’t an experience they had had together yet. Even more so that he lost the experience to Levi. He studied Levi, unknowingly comparing himself. His body was similar to Jude’s, a little lanky, but not nearly as pale or as thin. He was a little taller than Jude, a really nice tan if he being honest, he knew that Levi skated a whole lot, as if the way he dressed didn’t scream it already. He knew from overhearing a conversation talking about Levi in class one day that he was adopted and that was why he moved to Anchor Beach. After that realization, it struck a chord. He had something in common with Jude. Something that Connor would never completely understand. Connor fought the urge to wrap his arms around Jude and bark at Levi like an overprotective puppy. Though he knew that other than just his overt friendliness he never expressed any sort of romantic or physical interest in Jude. Levi always spoke so easily and comfortably, meanwhile Connor seemed to get jumbled and could barely speak his own name when Jude was near him. It made him feel so stupid and simple. Connor decided against acting like a puppy, and settled for stretching his arm around Jude’s waist and pulling himself closer to him.   
Levi glanced over at the act of affection, unable to ignore the 3rd wheel instinctive feeling. But continued with the conversation about the new Batman movie trailer that Connor had entirely spaced out of due to his inner monologue.  
“So hey, I asked my dad if it would be cool if you stayed the night with me tonight, and you could just ride with me to school tomorrow. Would you want to?”  
Of course Jude couldn’t say no. After all his dad didn’t even have any sort of closed doors rule, and had given Jude and Connor nothing more than a slap on the wrist and said “Don’t screw under my roof” more or less. This left the boys able to sleep in the same bed as comfortably as ever.   
“Yeah, I’ll ask but I’m sure it’ll be cool.”  
“Cool, and my last game is tomorrow evening and I know you guys wanted to come so ya know…if you still wanted-“  
“Sweet! I’ll be there!” Levi cut in as he got up to leave. “I’ll see you in first hour, Jude. Partner up with me for the assignment today ‘cause if I have to deal with Kayla’s dumb ass again I’m 90 percent sure I’ll fail.” Connor tried to keep calm, knowing that he would have Jude all to himself after school.  
Lena obviously said yes, her sympathy towards Jude losing the most important person in his life was pretty much never ending. She dropped the boys off at Connor’s house. Adam wasn’t to be home until late, and the boys were of course just fine with that. Jude threw down his backpack, and plopped down on the bed. He had waited for this all day. But for some reason, he still had a little apprehension towards just grabbing Connor by the back of his head and shoving his tongue in his mouth, so instead he played the innocent partner. And laid down, waiting for Connor. He looked at him, and placed his hands behind his head, a smug smile on his face. Connor shook his head. He knew what game Jude was playing, and he was more than willing to play. He walked over to the bed, and crawled over Jude like some sort of animal. Jude began to close the space between their lips, but Connor moved away, and left a quick kiss on his neck. He looked up at Jude and Jude returned with a pouting face. He moved to kiss the smaller boy on the lips, and at the last moment he quickly moved and left another quick kiss on his cheek. Jude let out an angry whimper and put his hands behind behind Connor’s head, determined have that kiss. The larger boy complied, and laughed before planting a deep kiss on Jude. They sharply inhaled, contact at long last. Connor felt Jude’s lips open a little and he was more than happy to fill them with his tongue. He tasted the inside of Jude’s mouth, and then his tongue, breathing and tasting as much of Jude as he possibly could. Relaxing, and letting his full weight lay on Jude. Jude got a little brave, and slid his hands under Connor’s shirt, eliciting the proper chills and goose bumps. He reveled in Connor’s warmth covering   
him and feeling the warm soft and taught skin of Connor’s back, eventually settling with the tips of fingers resting just underneath the waistband of his boxers.   
Connor was in total heaven by this point. The blonde wrapped his arms around the boy, and pushed his hips forward into Jude’s. Both boys couldn’t help but moan just a little.   
“Hey, we should get under the covers.” Connor suggested, as much as he would’ve like to keep Jude’s hands where they were.  
“Okay” Jude managed to whisper out. Connor, not being the one to waste an opportunity, slid his pants off. Jude took a hint, and slid his off as well, throwing them to the floor. Their bodies met once more not wasting a second before pushing their hips and lips together. Jude took the initiative and made a very not subtle hard grab of Connor’s ass. Connor let out a yelp and pushed harder, grinding the tents in their underwear together. They both giggled and ended up with both of Jude’s hands on Connor’s bottom, trying to get as much leverage as possible to give their…areas as much attention as possible. They eventually stopped kissing all together Connor’s head resting in the crook of Jude’s neck, and just wound up exploring each others bodies. Grabbing, rubbing, grinding. Connor’s brave hand eventually found itself on Jude’s tent and and wrapped around it firmly. The smaller boy sucked in a breath right as they heard the front door of the house open.   
“This isn’t over yet. To be continued?” Jude suggested with a smile while grabbing the front of Connor’s boxers.


	8. Chapter 8

_(10 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

Jude opened his eyes. Not completely sure if anything actually woke him up. But he was glad that he had, so that he could consciously enjoy what he felt. And what he felt was a big warm arm wrapped around his waist, and another one underneath his neck, the hand resting on his shoulder. And that familiar face nestled into the base of his neck. He touched the arm laying across his stomach, and ran his fingers along it. Feeling the tiny almost invisible blond hairs sprouting from the golden tan skin. This skin. Gold, and warm as if it had captured and radiated the heat it stole from the sun itself. He deeply inhaled the sweet somewhat musky scent of his boyfriend, and laid a gentle kiss onto his head. Connor stirred slightly interrupting his quiet snoring, readjusted his arms so that they both squeezed around Jude’s waist, and that half of his body was laying over him and placed his feet so that they connected with Jude’s. Jude countered with wrapping his small thin arms around Connor’s broad shoulders.   
Connor let out something similar to a raspberry with his lips in his sleep and Jude smiled a little at his boyfriend. If Jude didn’t want to keep holding Connor this way forever, he might’ve moved to see his his face. He loved the face Connor had while he slept. So totally relaxed, so peaceful, usually with his lips perked out slightly. Maybe if they stayed like this time would slow perhaps even for a little bit. Maybe everything would stop moving so fucking quickly. It always seemed like as soon as something great was handed to him, it was ripped away so easily. As much as he liked to stay optimistic with an “its for the best” attitude, it was moments like these that were tainted with the cruel reality that soon he would be alone again. These precious warm moments that contained the peace that was so rarely had and rarely existed in his younger childhood, and soon they were to become scarce once again. His breathing became slightly hitched, feeling his eyes well up with tears, and he tried to blink them away. But the clogging of his sinuses that of course came with the onset of crying didn’t help, and a tear ran down his face. He sniffled quietly, trying so very hard to not wake Connor. Jude was never sure if he believed in God, or heaven, or any sort of higher power. But the reality he had be avoiding for so long was hitting a little too close to home this morning, and at this point he was willing to ask anyone watching from above. He closed his eyes. He cleared his mind, and thought loud and clear.  
“I know it’s been a long time since I’ve ever tried to talk to you, whoever you are. And I don’t know why you’d want to help me if I never even talk to you. And I’ve tried to make the best of the hand you’ve dealt me, but I really, really need your help. I’ve felt so alone for a long time, and even though you’ve given me everything and everyone I need to not feel alone, this person matters the most to me right now. And I need him. I need him to not leave. I need him to stay here, because I don’t know if I can wait for a visit here and there for him to come make me happy. He makes me feel like that huge hole in me isn’t so big, and he makes me feel like I’m not on the outside looking in on everyone. So please, even if you never listen to me again, please listen this one time. Keep him here with me.”

Unfortunately Jude’s sniffling had become a little louder, and his breath a little more raggedy during his otherwise silent prayer. He had unknowingly shaken awake the slumbering blonde in his arms.   
“Jude?”  
“Jude what’s wrong?” He raised up looking at his tear stained wet faced boyfriend. Jude really didn’t know what to say. He opened his mouth but he quickly realized he didn’t have anything to say.  
“Jude why are you crying? Are you hurt?” Connor’s voice still quiet but urgent and worried. Jude failed to do anything but shake his head, a few more tears rolling. Connor glanced at his alarm clock. They had awoken about 5 AM, about an hour before his alarm was set to go off.  
“Jude please don’t cry, just tell me what’s going on please…” He rolled all the way onto Jude, straddling him so that he could put his hands on Jude’s face and wipe away the tears. He put a few gentle kisses on his forehead, cheeks, chin, and a chaste one on his lips, tasting a little of salt from the dried tears. He stroked Jude’s cheeks with his thumbs, trying to keep contact with the puffy glossed doe eyes. He absolutely hated seeing Jude cry. He’d only seen him cry once when he had talked about his mother, but even momentarily, it still ripped his spirit in half, squeezed his heart, and sucked the air from his lungs. He always hated seeing people cry, but Jude, he could hardly bear it.   
“Jude, I love you, please stop crying. I love you, okay?” He squeaked out. Even Jude couldn’t help but vision the boy before him similar to that of a puppy crying at his owner. The thought comforted him a little, and he was able to croak out a quiet “I love you too.” He squeezed his eyes shut, noticing how absolutely horrible it made Connor feel, and shook his head from Connor’s hands to wipe away the remaining pools in his eyes.   
“I’m fine, really. I just got kinda sad thinking we’re not gonna be able to do this a whole lot anymore. Sorry to make you all worried, I’m fine, really.” Even though his explanation was oversimplified, it didn’t make it any less true. The feelings were a lot more complex and rippled much deeper than the vocabulary of any 8th grader, but for now this would have to do. And its meaning seemed to translate to Connor just fine and he understood. The blonde straddling him returned his hands to Jude’s temples, feeling his soft brown locks. A gentle warm kiss to Jude’s still slightly blubbering lips followed. Jude let out a muffled “Mmm” and returned his arms to their previous position around the broad shoulders. Connor smiled a bit at his ability to pacify his boyfriend this way. He managed to wrap his arms around Jude’s stomach and rolled onto his back so that Jude was on top. They broke apart, Jude settling with his nose resting in the area just beneath Connor’s jaw. His hand draped across the chest, a leg draping across the larger boy’s thighs. He once again savored this moment, this feeling, this comfort. If comfort could be conveyed in the five senses, Jude was absolutely sure that it would be translated as the feeling of Connor’s skin, the taste of his mouth, his voice, his scent, and his face. As he began to hear the return of Connor’s gentle snoring once again, he closed his eyes once more, cleared his mind.

“Please.”


	9. Chapter 9

( _9 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

It was finally the weekend, and Jude had slept over at Connor’s. These visits before he was to leave were so beneficial and so destructive. They solidified what they already knew, that both of them were too precious to each other to ever be able to be out of each other’s lives for good. But at the same time, they pushed away the thoughts, and the words that needed to be said, and that needed to be dealt with. These visits kept the looming sadness away, and kept the foreboding depression away.   
One might think that the boys would’ve spent this time going on dates and doing special things. But they really had no want to do anything other than lay in bed with each other, watch movies, play video games, and talk all day. Occasionally, they took walks, zoning out, not heading anywhere in particular, just in circles around the neighborhood. These talks were the ones they liked the best.  
“So what is your mom like?” Jude asked.  
“I don’t know, blonde. Loud. Ditzy. I guess.” Connor kicked a small rock from the sidewalk.  
“Is that where you get it?” Connor lightly shoved the boy.   
“Probably. She’s like the opposite of my dad. She’s always been the pushover.”  
“Does she know about us?” Jude realized he’d never asked Connor if he or his dad ever told her.  
“Oh yeah. My dad told her when he called to let her know that I wanted to come live with her. Of course she wanted to know why, so yeah.”  
“Oh… What did she say?” A little concern on Jude’s face.  
“She was totally cool, she told me as long as I was happy, she was happy. She totally wants to meet you though. She pretty much grilled me and played 1000 questions to make sure I didn’t get some delinquent as a boyfriend.” They giggled.   
Jude blushed a little at this concept. Meeting the parents. This was uncharted territory.   
“Well that’s good. Maybe she’ll let you have other hobbies besides baseball now.”  
“Right? Huh. That’s a good idea. I really don’t know what I’d do to be honest.” He looked up at the sky.  
“Maybe you can take up taxidermy.” This was the weirdness that Connor liked so much.  
“That sounds good, the smell will remind me of you.” Connor said sarcastically, making a smooching face at Jude afterward. Jude instinctively leaned in and smooched back.   
They walked a while longer in silence, just enjoying each other’s presence.   
“Hey, you aren’t leaving because of anything I did right? ‘Cause you know if I bother you, or like, pressure you into doing stuff you don’t wanna do all you have to do is tell me and I’ll stop.”  
The sudden and somewhat random question caught Connor off guard.  
“Wha-wait, what? N-no of course not!”  
“Are you sure? Because I know I can be needy sometimes, and I take things really seriously a lot of the time and I’m kinda out of the loop and a lot of the time you ditch you friends for me an-“  
Jude didn’t know this, but the phenomena spewing from his mouth is what one might call ‘word vomit’.  
“No! Not at all! Are you kidding? If I wanted to spend time with someone else I’d just tell you. And I like it when you need me. It makes me feel like I’m as important to you as you are to me, ya know? Trust me, if it would be easy, I’d stay right here.”  
These feelings were new to Jude. Insecurity.   
“I’m sorry. I just get really nervous about that sometimes.” He mumbled.   
He hugged Jude. And while the reassurance was nice, and it staved the wolves off for now, Jude knew these feelings weren’t going anywhere anytime soon.   
Connor walked Jude home, and they said their goodbyes.   
Jude walked into his house, shut the door, and leaned against it. He exhaled the stress.   
“Hey love, everything okay?” Stef asked.  
“Yeah, just tired. Connor kept me up late.”   
“Oh, okay. Dinner should be ready soon, so don’t fall asleep!” she gave Jude a quick pat on the shoulder and he went to his room. Dinner was quiet, save for a few questions here and there about how Connor was doing.   
Even though Jude was trying to get back to his room as quick as possible, the part about him being tired wasn’t a lie. He threw off his clothes and got into bed, pulling a pillow to his front to hug it. He mulled over the conversations of the day, trying to assess the sincerity in Connor’s reassurance that his leaving had nothing to do with Jude. Jude believed him, but the thoughts kept away by the constant presence of his boyfriend had finally come for him.  
“How could he do this to me? How important could I really be to him if he’s able to leave so fucking easily?!” He thought to himself, clutching the pillow even tighter.   
His eyes began to flood with tears again.   
“Did I not make how special he was to me clear enough? Is it because I wouldn’t…do stuff with him? Is it because I wasn’t ready to do that sort of thing yet?!” Jude at this point was so shaken up, that he couldn’t even bring himself to hear the selfishness in this thoughts. And even though they were selfish, were they really that unrealistic? Jude had told him the night before that he wasn’t quite ready to do sexual stuff together just yet, and Connor seemed totally fine and content with just kissing and the usual stuff they did. But was he just being the good guy? Did Connor want someone who moved a little faster than Jude?  
Jude quietly sobbed, attempting so hard to burn out the insecurities and just the overall overwhelming sadness. The tears ran down the side of his face, littering the the sheets beneath his head with little dark wet spots. He curled up into a ball. Maybe if he held himself together tight enough, this sickening feeling that everything was falling apart at the fucking seams wouldn’t be able to break him.   
He began to calm down, the occasional hiccup here and there still hitching his breath.   
“I’m such a child. I can’t even stop thinking about myself long enough to realize that Connor needs to be safe and taken care of.” Jude had nearly made himself sick. But he needed this. He needed to cry a little bit. So maybe, just maybe for a little while, he could be selfish.

Connor had been thinking about Jude’s question ever since he had asked it.   
“Did he really think that I was leaving because of him?” He felt so guilty. Jude meant everything to him, and for Jude to think anything less than that hurt…a lot.   
“You okay over there?” Adam asked from across the dinner table. Connor hadn’t been able to take a single bite, instead spent the time just pushing his food around with his fork.  
Connor snapped out of his daze.  
“Yeah, I think…Hey dad?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Do you think I’m…um..selfish for leaving Jude here?”  
“Well, son, I think that Jude cares a whole awful lot about you and anyone can see that. And since he does, I know he understands that sometimes you’re gonna have to do what’s best for you. And I’m pretty sure he’d only want you to be happy.”  
Connor was a bit taken aback, this was probably the most positive words in one whole conversation he’d said about Jude.  
“You’re right I guess.”   
“And Connor…I’m really sorry that you feel like you have to leave, I’m trying and trying and I’m really sorry that I can’t be the parent you need me to be right now. But while you’re away don’t ever stop thinking that I’m going to keep trying to be better with this. I really have nothing against Jude, and he’s a nice kid. Maybe here soon, you could come back for a while, and test the waters a bit, and maybe I’ll be ready to finally be, ya know, a good dad to you.” Adam’s voice choked a bit at the end, the words becoming a bit hoarse.   
Was Connor dreaming? His alpha masculine dad was…on the verge of crying? He knew his dad was sincerely trying to comfort him, but his guilt that he made his own dad feel like he wasn’t good enough for him almost choked a few tears out of himself.   
“D-dad, you are good, I can tell you’re trying, but for right now you need to figure some stuff out too. I still love you. I’m only going to be away for a little while hopefully, its all good.” Trying to lighten the mood. The father and son ate the rest of dinner in comfortable silence.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want to say it’ll always turn out better in the end. I am dying to say things get better. But that’s not always how it works. Sometimes it doesn’t, and you think about it less.”  
> —   
> Schuyler Peck

_(8 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

      The boys had fallen asleep in two very opposite ways. Connor had his head put at ease after the talking with his father. Satisfied in thinking that he had made his affection to Jude clear. He ended his night with a few texts to Jude ending with the customary “Night night Judie! I love youuuuuu.”   
Jude however, was not so fortunate. Even with the texts soothing him after his crying session, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Connor’s leaving was a result of a number of things. Most of which he was under the belief that they were probably his fault. He meekly crawled out of bed, taking a quick look in his mirror.   
His full lips were chapped, his eyes puffy and hollowed out, his face a little dry from the dried tears. He let go of his breath, slumping over. He had woken up quite early this Sunday morning, before anyone else. He ran a bath, a deviation from the usual shower, and crawled in.  The fragile boy closed his eyes, and let the hot water flush his pale skin.

Connor awoke in a rather good mood, albeit much later than Jude. He checked his phone, no new messages other than Jude’s last good night text.   
“Love you too”  
He figured Jude was probably already up, so he sent a text of his own.  
“Do you wanna eat breakfast together? We can get pancakes at that weird 50s diner place you like!”   
He ran down stairs to find his dad watching a baseball game.  “Hey dad if Jude’s parents say its okay, will you take us to that weird 50s diner place?”   
“Sure, just get ready and we’ll go pick him up.”  
Connor rushed back up to his room to check his phone.   
Jude: “Sure, my moms said it was fine, see you in a bit”  
As tore up right now as Jude was, he was still not going to let anything ruin the short days that he and Connor had left. Connor showered quickly, trying to fix his hair all nice for Jude, and tried to dress up a little. He slipped on a baby blue button down, and a pair of blue jeans.   
“Sunday best huh? We don’t even go to church!” Adam chuckled at Connor, earning a little blush.  
The family of two got in the car and drove the short distance to the Foster’s residence. Before Adam could even honk the horn to let Jude know they were there, Connor was out of the car walking to the front door. Even Adam couldn’t deny it was a little cute when Connor got giddy about taking Jude somewhere. He knocked on the door and was answered promptly by Jude.   
“Hey you read-“ He could tell something was wrong in Jude’s face. Plum creases underneath his eyes and an overall tiredness in his posture told a story that Connor didn’t like. “Are you ready?” He started again.  
“Yeah.”   
Connor chose the backseat with Jude of course. He snaked his hand over and gently placed it on top of Jude’s curling his fingers under onto Jude’s palm. Even though something was wrong, and he was determined to get Jude to tell him what it was, the feeling of those small fingers underneath his made everything okay, even if it was only for a little bit. He expected a smile or at least a tentative squeeze back, but got nothing. He squeezed Jude’s hand, and managed to get a glance in his direction. Connor gave him a thoughtful look, but decided to leave it at that.   
“So Jude how are you today?” Adam asked, noticing the quietness in the car that usually wasn’t there when the boys were together.  
“I’m alright, I just don’t feel very well.” It wasn’t a total lie. He didn’t feel well. About anything.  
“Oh, sorry to hear that. Are you sure you’re okay to be out and about?”  
“Yeah, its just a headache. I’m alright, really Mr. Stevens.” Mr. Stevens? What was all that about? Connor wondered.

Part of Jude wanted to hide this…shit that he was feeling inside so much. He never wanted to worry Connor ever. He wanted to pep up, he wanted to smile as genuinely as he possibly could. But the other part was just so tired, so fucking tired, that he couldn’t even will the strength to act anything less than absolutely emotionally exhausted.  
He wondered how he was ever going to get the pancakes down. He stared at the plate, mentally preparing to fill the stomach that didn’t want for anything. He cut into them, barely chewing, mainly just swallowing. They felt too sweet today. Too stimulating for someone who really didn’t want to feel anything at the moment. How can things go so downhill so quickly? A few days ago he was more than happy to try and be optimistic, but now he simply didn’t have the strength. Especially when that little thought decided to enter his head randomly one day that maybe, just maybe, this might be his fault. Even though truthfully, it wasn’t. But he didn’t know that, and he wasn’t sure if Connor or anyone else could convince him of that right now. Adam glanced at Connor, picking up the apathy in Jude’s behavior, he arched his brows in a questioning shape. Connor shrugged.   
“So Jude, was there like, anything you wanted to do today? We don’t have anything planned.”  
“Not really. I guess you could come over or something if you wanted to.” For the first time, he managed to make eye contact with Connor.   
“Is that okay, Dad?”  
“Fine by me.”

“Jude, what’s going on?” Connor questioned as they entered Jude’s room.  
“What’re you talking about?” he said in a (very) poor attempt at acting fine.  
“C’mon. What’s up?” He walked up to Jude and placed his hands on his small shoulders. “You know you can tell me anything right?”  
The small boy felt his face get hot as he felt the larger boy’s gaze on him. As if his very eyes were radiating some hot interrogating force. He struggled to keep his eyes looking away.  
“Tell me.” He said in a tone that was similar to a command. Jude eyes locked with his at the sudden unexpected change in tone.   
“Tell you what?” Once again, his feeble attempt at acting fine fell flat.  
Connor quickly grew very tired of this. He wrapped his arms around the boy and rested his head on the delicate shoulders.   
“Why don’t you trust me?” He knew what he was doing. If he couldn’t get Jude to tell him, he wasn’t above guilt tripping them out of him.  
Jude absolutely melted under the voice Connor used. It was like somewhere between a child about to cry and a dog that had been kicked.   
“I-I do. You know I do…” His voice cracked at the end, giving away his lack of resolve.  
Connor’s hug grew tighter, and his head turned slightly, just enough to place a small kiss on the side of Jude’s neck. Jude hated this. He wanted to keep this from Connor, but the amount of energy to keep pretending like everything was fine had hit rock bottom.   
“Why can’t you just trust me?”  
“Because I know you don’t like me like I like you!”  
“Why would you think that?!” In Connor’s view, every move he made and ever decision reflected something entirely opposite of what Jude was saying. To him, this was completely out of left field. Was Jude really so irrational that he thought that he didn’t like him? Hell, Connor loved Jude. And Connor knew that with every pump of his heart and every breath that entered his lungs.   
“Just admit it! Now that you know you’re gay, you realized that there are a lot more boys out there but you know you’re in too deep and you know it’d be weird to be at school now with me there! Why else would you be able to leave like it’s nothing?! You know that there are a lot better boys out there than me! Boys that aren’t afraid to do stuff and aren’t whiny and-“ He was interrupted by a pair of lips gently sticking themselves to his. “Mmm” he managed to hum as tears once again bled out the sides of his eyes and down to his chin. Connor kissed his favorite pair of lips repeatedly in an attempt to shut Jude up as he pushed and walked Jude backward onto his bed. Jude grabbed a pillow and pulled it over his face, sobbing into it quietly. Connor didn’t want to push him, so he simply wrapped his arms around Jude’s waist and laid his head down on his stomach.   
“There aren’t boys better than you though. You know how I know? Because there’s not another boy out there who can make me cry like this…” A few tears fell out of Connor’s eyes as well, “I-It’s so hard to get excited about anything besides time with you now. Everything else just doesn’t seem like much compared to how fun and new and just…good it feels to be with you. And I still love you, even if you’re whiny or whatever, and I love you even though you’re dumb enough to think that its easy for me to leave.” He smiled into Jude’s stomach and placed a small kiss into his bellybutton. Jude still hiccuped and sniffled into the pillow. And even though the sound of Jude crying made Connor cringe, he couldn’t help but think the little whimpers into the pillow were cute. He snuggled his face into Jude’s stomach once more and reveled in the warmth, feeling it rise and fall with his breaths.   
“…I love you too.”

“I know.”


	11. Chapter 11

_(takes place right after last chapter)_

       Jude kept the pillow on top of his face until all the little ragged breaths and whimpers that come along with crying dissipated. Which in all, lasted about 25 minutes. Connor listened intently, feeling his head rise and fall with Jude’s stomach as his breathing became more relaxed and deep. He gently raised up and slid his hand under the pillow and pulled it off. He couldn’t help but giggle after seeing that Jude had fell asleep. His hands were up by his head, still in the position he held the pillow over his face with. Connor giggled once more realizing that his boyfriend looked a little like those sleeping babies in the Huggies commercials.   
He slid upward on the bed and pulled the covers over Jude and himself. Even in his sleep, the smaller boy instinctively wedged himself a little closer to Connor.   
He wasn’t entirely sure he’d managed to convince Jude that none of this was his fault. With all the things that go on in their lives, it was so easy to forget about the little things that made up Jude. This was a damaged kid. It’s only to be expected that he’d be insecure about some things. He hadn’t talked a whole lot about what happened to him in his previous foster homes, he wasn’t particularly one to be happy to share a sob story. Even if Connor found him and his history infinitely interesting. He stared at the peaceful face below him, and wondered how anyone could possibly bring themselves to hurt Jude. A grimace spread across his face as he realized who could. He could. He already hurt Jude in the worst way possible by leaving. The guilt opened up inside of him. He was just like everyone else, leaving Jude to rot.  
“I’m not like them! I actually care about him!” He thought to himself.  
He pulled out his phone and began to scroll through his different social media in an attempt to drown out the thoughts.  
AJ walked in around this time, smiling at the sight before him. Connor put a finger up to his lips and smiled, pointing to the teen who really resembled a slumbering toddler more than a 14 year old having a nap.   
Connor awoke about 2 hours later to a gentle shake on his shoulder, he hadn’t even realized that he’d fallen asleep. Hell, he hadn’t even thought he was tired.   
“Did you enjoy your nap?” Lena asked, she’d walked past the door and saw Connor with his face in a pillow snoring away.   
It took Connor a minute to realize that Jude wasn’t here.  
“Haha, yeah I guess so! Where’s Jude?”  
“Downstairs. We ordered out for dinner, you’re welcome to stay if you like.”  
“Thanks. I will if its okay.”  
“Sure. So when are you supposed to be leaving?”  
“Um I’m not sure, I can call my dad to see when he’s supposed to come and get me-“  
“No hon I meant when do you leave for LA?” A small laugh escaping her lips.   
“Oh ha! Next Monday, unfortunately.”   
“So are you ready for it?”   
“Eh…not really. I really don’t want to go to be honest. But living with my dad sucks. Like really sucks. Like I feel like he’s always staring at me like I’m someone completely different. Plus dinners are awkward.” He chuckled a bit, trying to lighten the subject of the conversation.  
“Well, give ‘em time. He’ll come around. I talked to him not too long ago, he called me asking a few questions.”  
“Really?! What’d he say?”   
“Well, he just asked what to do if he ever walked in on you two like he did the other day. I just asked him what he would’ve done if he’d seen you with a girl. I think he got the point, and he knows its a little different, given that neither of you are exactly in danger of getting pregnant. I’m actually glad I caught you here alone for a minute. There was something I wanted to tell you.”  
“What?” He asked, caught a little off guard, and a little scared that she had bad news.  
“Don’t worry its nothing. But I was going to tell you, before your dad hung up, he asked about Jude.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“He just asked about him in general, like what Jude was into. If he did any sports or activities besides video games, haha. I told him a few things here and there, what he did at home. But I told him if he wanted to know anything he could just ask Jude himself, and that Jude wasn’t one to bite.” They both shared a laugh.  
To say Connor was surprised would’ve been an understatement. “My dad is taking an interest in Jude?” He thought, completely flabbergasted.   
“So that’s pretty good right? I mean that’s a pretty high jump from trying to pull me from Anchor Beach just to get away from him.”   
“I’d say so. Sorry, I just thought you should know that. I figured you wouldn’t expect it.”  
“Well I certainly didn’t.”   
Once again, his plans to leave were shaken. But a few good deeds don’t make up for a hundred bad ones. He hated feeling like he was walking on eggshells all the time, trying to keep from mentioning Jude or anything romantic in general for fear of his dad acting like he’d just been stabbed through the heart. He’d seen his dad drink and cry a few times in his room after he’d come out, and he hadn’t seen it since, but he hoped that his dad had realized that his son was no different than he was before. He tried being patient, letting his dad say goodbye to whatever fake idea of who his son was, but the months were turning by. It was time to grow up. Connor couldn’t take one more dinner conversation of 2 questions.  
“How was school?”  
“How’s baseball going?”  
One never realizes how truly quiet it gets when you can’t talk about anything of any actual meaning to yourself. Connor usually tried to not talk about Jude a lot around his dad. Adam never said much when he did, and the topic was also accompanied by a pained look on his face. It was especially hard when Connor really had no other friends to talk about. He had a few baseball buddies, and a few kids he talked to occasionally at school, but since coming out a lot of them had alienated him. Something he didn’t quite expect considering he was very well liked at school before. And now he felt like he wasn’t even well liked at home. But is home really home if you can’t even be yourself there?


	12. Chapter 12

_(7 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

         In North America, there are 3 unavoidable factors in life. That is death, taxes, and school. Jude was especially aware of the third factor, as all teens are come Monday morning. After waking up from his nap the night before, he discovered that his boyfriend had taken his own nap. Not able to resist watching him, savoring the look of his peaceful face, he leaned down and left a gentle kiss on his boyfriend’s lips, who promptly, even in his sleep, pooched his lips out slightly and returned the kiss. He left out a gentle “hmmmm” and continued with his light snoring. Jude smiled and couldn’t bring himself wake the oversized toddler in front of him, so he eased out of bed and went to have a dinner without him. About 10 minutes later, he came to find Jude in the kitchen, looking a little flustered from being woken up. Jude tried to keep from staring at him and his hair that stuck up all over the place, but he gave up and kept giggling during dinner.

He walked into the bathroom to begin getting ready for school, waking up a little earlier to beat the rest of his siblings. A quick shower, he fixed his hair, taking a little more time than usual to spike it up a little bigger and more forward. His wardrobe drew him to a dark purple hoodie with some sort of white Japanese writing on the sleeves, a slim pair of black jeans, and a black pair of Vans. On the car ride to school, he thought a lot about how he had been feeling these few weeks. He was almost one hundred percent sure that he had become bipolar. Either that or he had managed to attain the hormonal whiplash of a 6 month old pregnant woman. Crippling sadness one day, relentless optimism the next, and then just days that didn’t have any other description other than “blegh”. Just a little thing here and there to tip the scales to one end of the emotional spectrum or the other in rapid succession. But today was a day that was being sung on a high note, and he wasn’t complaining.  
He quickly found Connor and Levi as usual waiting for him. As he sat down next to Connor, his boyfriend tilted his head up smashing a quick open mouth kiss on the boy, earning a blush similar in color to a tomato on the verge of over-ripening. Levi laughed at Jude’s modesty.  
“Well well well, it looks like your hair got Mr. Stevens all hot and bothered. You need to behave yourself young lady, otherwise one might think you’re asking for it.” Levi said in his failed Professor Snape voice. Jude groaned. And blushed. And enjoyed the attention, honestly.  
Levi and Connor had managed to get some sort of conversation going about some show on Netflix that they both liked, arguing and agreeing in tandem. Jude was suddenly stricken with a severe case of mischief, something that often happened when his mood was particularly positive. Jude reached his hand over, gently laying it on Connor’s crotch, rather slyly, but Connor felt it and Jude gave a slight squeeze. It was Connor’s turn to blush now.  
“Yeah, uh-umm, yeah that was like the best scene in t-the entire season, um.” Connor stuttered out. Jude pretended to play on his phone, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He couldn’t help but be a little flattered he had this effect on his boyfriend. Levi left after announcing that he had to get a few things from his locker before class. Connor looked to Jude with wide eyes.   
“W-what was that all about?”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“You just-you just…you know!”   
“Still not asking for it.” They both chuckled.   
“Well we should head to class now.” Jude continued.  
“I can’t.”  
“What? Why?”  
“Just go. I’ll catch up.” Connor’s face had turned into that tomato mentioned.  
Jude glanced down, realizing the reason for Connor’s reluctance to get up.  
He burst into laughter immediately.  
“Stop it! It’s not funny!” His boyfriends face continued to blush even harder.  
“Sorry, you were kind of asking for it.”   
He got up and left his boyfriend to deal with the curse all teen boys deal with, a toothy grin stretching across his face. He was suddenly blessed with an idea that he liked very, very much. If Connor was leaving, he might as well punish him a little before he goes.

In a separate class, Connor was completely unable to think straight all period (no pun intended). Jude got a little brave at times, especially in the heat of the moment. But today it felt different. Connor sure as hell didn’t mind Jude being handsy, but it was completely sexually charged. Jude was being…devious. Devious was the only word that Connor could think of, what other word could you really use to describe someone who was using sexual frustration to punish their boyfriend? Connor’s mind stayed in the gutter all day. It really couldn’t go anywhere else. Jude kept grabbing his butt in passing in the hallways, leaving a quick lick on Connor’s ear before leaving for the next class, even sliding his hand up Connor’s shirt during lunch in front of Levi. He knew he wouldn’t be able to defend against it, and he knew that he couldn’t say anything about it in front of anyone. He hated and loved it at the same time. He wanted to reciprocate and return the favor, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to hide it in public as well as Jude was. Of course he ended up going to Jude’s house after school. He intended to give Jude hell for the whole day of holding books in front of him and leaving the tables and desks after everyone had gone.   
“How…could…you..do…that…to…me…” He said with a fake angry face.  
“Well I figured since you’re leaving, I might as well have fun with the our final days.” He plopped on the bed, a smug grin on his face and his hands behind his head.   
“You’re completely evil!” He jumped on Jude, hands going straight for his armpits, he tickled the boy completely breathless.  
“I’M-I’M GONNA PEE! STOP!” His face was beet red. Connor remarked to himself how cute his boyfriend was, how his two front teeth were a little bigger than the rest, how his little nose turned upward slightly, how his eyes squinted and almost disappeared when he smiled really hard. Connor’s smile faded as he leaned down and planted one on the corner of Jude’s mouth while he was still in mid laugh.   
“I’m gonna miss you so much.” He whispered into Jude’s ear so close that it sent chills through his body and rippled it with goosebumps.  
Jude felt the gravity in his voice, but his mood refused to let it drop. He grabbed the back of Connor’s head and his butt at the same time, a surprised gasp leaving his mouth.   
“Oh I know you will. I won’t let a single day go by that you don’t think about this.”   
“Evil, I tell you. Abso-fucking-lutely evil.” They both laughed and heaved until a ding sounded from Jude’s phone. They both glanced at it and snatched for it at the speed of light. However, Connor won, and held both of Jude’s hands above his head with at the wrist with one hand, while holding the phone in the other.  
“One text from…Levi Green.” A displeased look stretched out on his face.  
“Oh don’t give me that look, he probably just wants the the answers to tonight’s math homework.”  “ACTUALLY….yeah, he did want the math answers. But he wants to hang out tonight at the skate park too.” Connor looked to Jude, studying, waiting for some kind of response.  
“Oh, uh, do you wanna go?”  
“I think he just wanted you to go.”  
“Oh shut up, I’ll tell him you’re coming. Why don’t you like him? He’s cool.”  
“Its not that I don’t like him, he’s just…I don’t know. Weird I guess.”  
“Really? Last time I checked, being weird is the same thing that made you not able to get up from that table this morning. Could it be that Mr. Stevens is jealous?” Jude said, mocking Levi’s Snape accent.   
“Jealous?! Of what?! He’s scrawny and talks too much and never stops flipping his hair.”  
“Oh so now being scrawny is a bad thing. I see how it is. You can go now.” Jude said with a fake pout and an on-the-verge-of-crying voice as he rolled onto his stomach, putting his face in his pillow. He smiled into the pillow waiting for Connor’s reaction.   
“I-I..you know I don’t think that!” He said trying not to laugh. He stuck his face into Jude’s neck, inhaling and running his nose down onto the top of his spine. Jude shriveled up his neck and giggled, his voice cracking and reaching pretty high.   
“We really should go hang out at the skate park though. Let’s get out and do something.”  
“Ugh, fine. But if there’s a lot of people there I don’t want to stay long.”  
Jude replied to Levi, and managed to get Connor off of him long enough to put on some shoes and grab a skateboard of Jesus’.   
“But wait, you don’t skate Jude!”   
“Well I can sure as hell try.”  
The boys went downstairs and managed to talk Stef into a car ride to the skate park. She didn’t want them out too late, so they were left with about three hours before dark.   
They walked to the center of the park where there was a small table surrounded by benches. Waiting for them was a long shag of wavy blonde hair.   
“About time! How are my favorite pair of lovebirds this fine evening?”  
He said it a little too loud for Jude’s comfort, and spotted a few other eyes of several other skaters in their direction.   
Jude cleared his throat and put on an uncomfortable face.  
“I’m sorry. The other boys are cool though. I know them. Don’t worry they won’t bother us.” Levi said reassuringly. It was these rare serious moments that Jude caught glimpses of Levi’s compassion towards others. He might be a little loud, but he was always considerate.  
“You look a little awkward holding that board. And I didn’t know you skated Jude.”  
“I really don’t. But I’m going to try….to not break my neck anyway.”  
The boys giggled.   
“So do you want me to teach you then?”  
Connor immediately shot a look at Jude, completely apprehensive towards any living thing that wanted contact with his boyfriend.  
“Sure!”  
They walked over to an unoccupied corner of the skate park, so that no one would be able to witness Jude’s complete and utter lack of balance and coordination.  
He rolled slowly forward, Levi’s hands a few inches away from his waist in case Jude decided he was going to bite the concrete. Connor stayed very close as well, his face hot with jealousy. Connor had some experience skating, but sure not enough to teach. He was even more enraged by the fact that Levi was actually a very patient and good teacher. Jude actually was doing pretty well, managing to hold his own. He couldn’t do much else but go around in circles, but the boys ended up just talking most of the time and strayed away from trying to do any actual skating. Much to Connor’s relief. Too many waist touches for comfort.  
“Who knows Jude, you might have a new hobby to keep you busy while the hubby’s away.”  
Jude laughed and looked to Connor who didn’t seem to find it quite as funny. He didn’t find it quite funny that these little lessons might become much more frequent. And without his supervision.  
Jude skated in front of Connor and tried to playfully shove him but ended up missing and swerving and falling face forward into the ground. Connor was by his side in an instant.   
“Oww. Shit.” The smaller boy eased up, dusting the grit out of his palms, wincing at seeing the scraps on his arms.   
“Are you okay?!” Connor said in a voice similar to that of a young mother seeing her toddler fall for the first time.   
“Ha, yeah. Next time let me hit you!” He nudged Connor. He let out a laugh but was cut short at seeing a bleeding spot above Jude’s brow that was beginning to drip.   
“Hey let’s go to the bathroom, we can rinse you off there!” Levi grabbed Jude by the elbow, helping him up before Connor had the chance.   
“We should’ve just stayed in bed.” Connor muttered.


	13. Chapter 13

_(6 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_  
Jude looked in the mirror at the little blotch of purple and sickly yellow above his brow. He couldn’t help but smile a little bit at its ridiculousness. Stef had nearly had a heart attack and tried to discourage Jude from ever trying to skateboard. But he had no intention of stopping. He needed something to keep him busy. He wouldn’t be able to hang out with Connor today due to Connor having to decide what he was going to take with him to LA, sort through the clothes he never wore and get rid of them, and say bye to his Grandparents. But Jude was fine with that. As much as he loved being around Connor, he kind of wanted some time to himself. He continued getting ready for school, deciding on a grey flannel button down, his favorite pair of torn up “slut” jeans as Connor called them, and a pair of black leather shoes that looked somewhat vintage and worn, courtesy of Levi. Mariana had mentioned that he looked a little like a folk singer had yet to go through puberty. Considering he had grown nearly a whole foot in less than a year, Jude was less than flattered at the statement. But a quick compliment from Connor, Levi, Daria, and Taylor about how “cute” he looked reassured him. The three boys sat together as usual lunch, Connor inhaling his lunch, Levi mainly talking, and Jude poking at the sandwich and look at what they claimed to be chicken. But he wasn’t convinced.   
“So what are your guys’ plans for today after school?” Levi asked.  
“Not the skatepark again.” Jude joked, even the he fully planned to go back at some point in the near future.  
“Well I’ve got to get stuff ready for LA and visit my grandparents. So nothing fun.” Connor said flatly.  
“Well since your husband will be away on business, do you want to come over Jude?” Levi said with a smile, and a slightly hopeful face.  
“Sure! I’ve got no homework today, so that should be fine.” Jude glanced at Connor, who was sporting a very annoyed face. Connor could be jealous all he wanted, Jude thought. But right now other than Connor, Levi was all Jude had. Jude’s intentions were pure, and unbeknownst to them both, Levi didn’t have anyone else either. Connor kept his mouth shut though, even though he didn’t like it, he understood the need to not be alone.   
Levi shook his fingers through his hair, trying to calm down the waves before Jude arrived. His mom had been more than ecstatic at Levi finally having a friend, and not only having one, but having one come over. Even at his old school Levi wasn’t very well liked.   
“So what is he like?” His mom questioned.   
“Well, he’s the vice principal’s adopted son. He’s real quiet, and he dates another boy in our grade. He’s the one I taught to skate the other night.”  
“Wait, he’s dating a boy? He’s gay?”  
“I don’t know about that, I don’t know if he likes boys. I just know he likes Connor.”   
“Well either way, you know I don’t mind, I’m glad you have a friend like him.”  
Levi smelled himself, and decided to change his shirt into a purple long sleeve. He heard a ding at the door bell and ran down the stairs nearly face planting in the process.   
“Hey there!” Levi’s mom shouted from the living room.   
“Hello Miss Green.” Jude said meekly. He wasn’t too experienced when it came to staying at friends houses the first time.  
“Oh please, call me Lauren. I like your friend Levi, so polite. You might learn something.”   
Levi rolled his eyes. “Cmon, let’s go to my room before she tries to get me to cut my hair like yours.”  
“Hey! What’s wrong with my hair?” Jude asked jokingly as they stepped into Levi’s room.   
“Nothing sweetie. You look very handsome.” Levi said in his best mom voice.   
“Shut up!”  
Levi’s room was a burnt gold color, and rather bare. Except for a skateboard, a small computer desk, a computer and a PS4, there was nothing in his room. No posters, no decorations.   
“So what do you wanna do?”   
“I dunno, I’m tired from school to be honest.” He said with a yawn.   
“Oh…well we just watch some Netflix if you want.” Levi said with a somewhat desperate look on his face. Jude wondered what was going on. He looked almost afraid that Jude would want to leave.   
“That sounds good.”   
They decided on watching a few episodes of Futurama. Never been one for TV, and never having Netflix, Jude had never even heard of Futurama. Levi was enthralled at how innocent Jude was. He loved how easy it was to make Jude laugh so hard that he cried.   
“So like, why don’t you have any other friends at school? I’m kind of surprised you don’t even have a girlfriend of something.” Jude asked.  
“I don’t know, I just don’t find people very interesting usually I guess. And I don’t know, I never really wanted one. All the other boys started dating a few years ago and I kind of thought the girls in my grade were a little annoying.” The blonde said with a small laugh.   
“…so can I tell you something?” Levi continued nervously. Jude could hear the dryness and shake in his voice.   
“Sure. You can tell me anything.” Jude added, he could feel what Levi was about to say was pretty important.  
“I think…I think I might like boys. Here recently, I’ve been thinking some are like, I don’t know, cute I guess. I don’t know if I’m gay, but I’m pretty sure I like boys.”   
“Oh…well obviously it doesn’t bother me. Just don’t tell Connor okay?”  
“Sure, to be honest I only trust you enough to tell you. But how come you don’t want me to tell Connor?”   
“Don’t tell him I told you this, but I think he’s jealous of you.”   
“Me?! Why?! He’s way more attractive than I am. And it’s not like I’m swooping into steal his man anyway.” He said with a nervous laugh.   
“Shut up, you look just fine. He just doesn’t like the idea I get to have other friends.”   
“It’s stupid, but it’s kind of nice. The idea of someone else worrying about you like that.” Jude didn’t say anything, but he agreed. He liked that Connor loved him enough to get jealous. But neither of the boys quite knew what to do with this newfound information. Jude knew Levi liked boys, and Levi knew Connor saw him as a threat.


	14. Chapter 14

_(5 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

      Levi woke up this morning more groggy and half deceased than he’s ever felt. His hair stuck in all different directions, his eyes squinted trying to fight away the sleep. He stayed in a half dead state for about 30 seconds, then the flood of the previous night’s events swirled and drowned his brain.

He had told Jude he liked boys. Connor was jealous of him. The fact that Connor, the tan, blonde, adonis for lack of a better word, of Anchor Beach felt that he was competition. Levi felt his confidence swell. It…shook him. The confidence, the fearlessness of all social situations, it was all fake.   
In all reality, he feared everyone. Especially Jude. Not that Jude had stood out to him as especially intimidating, but after getting a feel for his personality, this boy took the foundations of his character and shook and shit all over them. His vocal and wit prowess were nothing more than armors created to help him deal with the cruelty of humankind he’d experienced. But Jude was so endearing, so compassionate. He broke the mold that he felt all humans filled. But Jude had quite literally killed him with kindness. Or has Levi felt, ran over him with the kindness. Then threw kindness into reverse and backed over him and ran over him once more.   
Levi had been stuttering and unable keep the flow of speech going after the talk they’d had. He settled for continuing to watch some shows on Netflix, if they played video games, he’d probably end up talking, and the last thing he wanted is for Jude to pick up on his anxiety over this. Some sort of repossession show. Something to make Jude laugh because at that moment, Levi felt that he could barely muster up a word. His confession had taken everything out of him. He prayed to whatever being may be in the sky that Jude didn’t notice.   
He threw his legs out of bed, and walked to the bathroom. He sighed at the absolute disarray his hair was in. Oh well. The hot water of the shower blasted the turmoil of hair flat to the boy’s head. The water raced down his body. Over the ragged crescent shaped scars that danced along his lower back, bottom, and thighs. Over a few twisted blurred marks. Love bites affectionately left by the searing hot kiss of a fireplace iron left in a flame a little too long.   
Trinkets he earned the hard way.

Connor awoke to the smell of something cooking downstairs. Pancakes. Sleep nor storm could keep Connor away from a good breakfast. His dad had made enough pancakes to feed an entire family.  
“Why is there so many? Are we having company?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.  
“Nope, just us. But I have to leave here in a minute. I want you to save what’s left and give them to Jude. I think Lena told me they’re his favorites.”  
Connor rubbed his eyes once more. Surely this a cruel dream.   
“Oh..um yeah, they are. Sure.” His dad finished up, throwing the pancake equivalent to Mount Everest on a large dinner plate. He placed a quick kiss on Connor’s forehead, a pat on the shoulder and headed out for the day. Connor wolfed down his share, 4 large pancakes. At that point he considered just calling his dad and telling him he didn’t feel well and staying home to cater to his overfilled stomach. But he powered through, putting on just a t shirt and a hoodie to comfort his stomach’s state of late term pregnancy.   
He got to school before Jude as usual. But still after Levi.  
“So how was Jude last night?”  
“U-uh. Pretty good. We just watched Netflix for a couple hours. He finds old people getting their shit repossessed really entertaining.” Connor let out a small laugh. He didn’t care for Levi’s presence. But he was starting to grow on Connor. He was glad if anyone had to keep Jude company while he was away, it was Levi. He actually liked Levi’s personality. Connor tried to keep on his best stern face to be territorial over Jude, but Levi always ended up cracking it with a joke or a snide comment.   
Jude walked up about this time, greeting Connor with a chaste kiss on the cheek, and Levi with a dramatic disgusted face a “EWUGH”.   
“Nice. Now thats a face only a mother could love.” Connor couldn’t help but burst into laughter at how quick witted Levi was. Jude’s mouth only gaped open, letting a few giggles escape, he had been outgunned.

Connor of course had to ask Jude to come over after school to debrief about his time alone with Jude. He’d spent that the last day zoned out thinking about all the fun they were probably having without him.   
“So how was Levi’s house?” “Uh, it was good I guess. His mom is kind of weird. She kept staring at us. We just watched Netflix the entire time. I was really too tired to do anything else.”   
“NETFLIX AND CHILL? OH GOD COULD IT GET ANY WORSE?!” Connor said in an over dramatic voice and hands thrown up in the air.  
“Oh shut up it wasn’t like that!” He shoved Connor in the chest down onto the bed.   
“Please tell me you didn’t browse the romantic comedy section…oh lord, why?” Connor pretended to cry.   
“Oh yeah, we totally did. And he even pretended to yawn and stretch so he could put his arm around me.”   
“I KNEW IT! YOU JEZEBEL HUSSIE!”  
Jude ran over and jumped on Connor, straddling his waist.   
“What does that even mean?!” He asked tickling Connor making him squeal with a voice that kind of surprised Jude.  
Jude locked eyes with his boyfriend, and he considered telling him about what Levi had said. He felt a little dishonest, but he hadn’t shown any sort of interest in Jude like that. And he’d rather  not deal with the instantaneous hate Connor would feel towards Levi if he knew. He decided to bite his tongue for now.

Levi threw his backpack down on his floor, and plopped down on the bed, face down in the pillow. Even though he trusted Jude, telling him about his biggest secret still infected him with serious case of anxiety. Would he tell anyone? If no one talked to him now, being outed to the school sure as hell wouldn’t help his status as a social pariah. He hoped and prayed it would never come to that.  “LEVI I SWEAR IF I COME HOME AND THESE DISHES AREN’T DONE, YOU’RE GOING TO SPEND YOUR ENTIRE NIGHT UNTIL MORNING CLEANING THIS KITCHEN WITH A TOOTHBRUSH.” The shrieking threat echoed throughout the house. He quickly slid off the bed, hearing his mother’s heels clack against the stairs.   
“I’m coming. It’ll be done.” He walked past his mother trying to avoid eye contact.  
“I SURE AS HELL FUCKING HOPE SO, FOR YOUR SAKE.”   
“Please calm down, it’s only dishes.”   
The woman was dressed in a tight dress, getting ready for some sort of occasion.  
She snatched the back of Levi’s hair, her hand in a tight balled fist. All of a sudden her face cracked, a pained and fearful face.  
“Honey I’m so sorry, I-I jus-I’ve got to go. I’m going to a dinner party and I won’t be back until late.” She let go of her adoptive son’s hair, a slight tear balling up in her eye.   
Levi turned to her and gave her a venomous look. This back and forth was making him sick. You can’t apologize for doing wrong, yet continue doing it.  
As she closed the door leaving, the stressful air lifted, and Levi sighed. He did the dishes, and cleaned up around the kitchen a little bit. Hopeful that his mother wouldn’t see some little thing that might set her off into some violent episode. A few weeks ago, this sort of thing would’ve bothered him and stressed him out into just sleeping all day. But more and more, he found solace and comfort in Jude. He pulled out his phone, sending Jude a quick text.  
“What’re you doing?”  
Even if their conversations didn’t particularly have any subject matter that was of any importance, Levi quickly realized how important just talking to someone was. His stress level the past few weeks had gone down tremendously. He would text Jude whenever any sort of bothersome event would happen, never telling him about them of course, but just having that little bit of contact would make everything seem not as heavy as they normally did.   
Jude: “Sitting here with Connor. Watching him struggle to stay awake during Lord of The Rings.” Levi: “Sounds like fun.” He sent a couple pictures of things he found funny on instagram, he’d made one in an attempt to be more connected to other actual human beings. But ended up rarely posting and just following accounts he found funny, a few people he thought looked cool, a few he thought looked attractive, and Connor’s and Jude’s accounts.   
Jude: “Omg. Wyd?”  
Levi: “Laying on my floor being the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry.”   
Jude: “I envy your fast paced life.”  
Levi: “Right? This jetsetter life is too much. Kim Kardashian doesn’t have anything on my hustle.”  
Jude: “I didn’t know hair flipping was a hustle.”  
Levi: “Damn. All these flavors and you choosing to be salty. But you’re sweet too. You’re like a sour patch kid. Or a cumshot.”  He paused for a moment, considering whether or not what he said was too vulgar. But he took the decision to send it. What’s the point of having friends if you can’t be a little gross around them?  
Jude: “I CAN’T BELIEVE U. UR SO NASTY.” Jude sent with multiple crying and laughing faces.  
Levi smiled at the message, hoping that he laughed out loud. 


	15. Chapter 15

_(4 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

       The feeling of walking through a room cleared of all your possessions, especially one that you’ve spent your entire life in, is quite an uncomfortable one. All the little moments, all the experiences that carved you into the being you are probably happened in there. The walls echo all of your past feelings, the ones you cried into them every time you were sad, angry, and the ones you laughed into them loudly, all the feelings you left when you stared into those same walls thinking a little too deeply. They reverberate and bring all of them back. And you can’t ever help but think that the next time you step into that room after you leave. Things will never be the same. They’ll be so different they’ll make you wonder if the world you live in now is even the same one you remember.   
Connor felt all of these things as he woke up for his last day of school at Anchor Beach. All of his steps through the hall back and forth from the bathroom to his room lasted just a little longer. Taking nanosecond glances at all the childhood pictures from the corners of his eyes. A little blonde haired boy on one knee holding a baseball bat glanced back at him. A goofy grin on his face, even Connor could help but smile at the memory. He passed another frame. This boy was a little older, his hair a little lighter from when his mom let him get his hair bleached. It stuck straight up and his grin was a little more modest, perhaps to offset the hair that looked like he stuck his tongue in an electrical socket.   
How was everything so fucking easy back then? Stress and a constant barrage of shit seemed to just get flung left and right at him these past few years. What would life even be like after it was free of the obstacles he’d come to be so accustomed to? What would it be like without his dad giving him disappointed looks every other minute? What would it be like to feel like there wasn’t an anxious air floating around his head every time he kissed Jude or held his hand or fuck, even just touched him in his own house?   
He grabbed his backpack and headed out the door, skipping breakfast. He really didn’t feel like eating. Or talking to his dad.   
Levi of course beat him to school as usual, and today, Jude did too.   
“What’re you doing here so early?” He said, surprised but more than happy to get in a few extra minutes.  
“Mariana’s sick, so we didn’t have to wait for her to get ready.” The spiky haired brunette said with a smile. The same smile that gave Connor’s world peace and ended wars and fed starving children in third world countries.   
“You’ll have to thank her for her failing health. So is it still okay for me to stay the weekend with you?” Connor said nervously, hoping that Mariana being sick didn’t impede his final weekend with Jude.  
“Yeah, moms are keeping her quarantined so everything’s cool.” Praise the Lord.   
“To be honest I’m feeling kind of sick too, but I wasn’t about to let moms know.”   
“I love you and all but I don’t really care if you’re sick. I still would’ve came over anyway. I can keep you company while you’re throwing up.” The blonde said with a smile. At this point, Connor didn’t really care about Levi seeing any of this sappy somewhat idiotic sweet couple talk. And he didn’t really seem to mind. He just rested his head on his palms, staring into space.  
“You’re the worst. Let’s just hope I don’t throw up here today. Any more of this romantic talk might make both me and Levi sick.” He glanced in Levi’s direction but it’s clear that Levi didn’t even hear.

Lena dropped the boys off after school, having to run a few errands and telling them to check on Mariana but not to get too close. Jude ran upstairs to check on the half dead looking Mariana.   
“Wow, you look horrible.”   
“Thanks. You know that always makes my day better.”  
“You know i’m kidding. Moms told me to check on you to make sure you hadn’t kicked the bucket.”  
“I’m fine now but give it a few more hours.” She said with a wheeze.   
Jude went back to his room, anxious to begin his alone time with Connor. Before he could even turn around to say anything, Connor’s arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him as close as possible, and smashing a deep kiss on Jude’s lips. The smaller boy let out a muffled moan and wrapped his thin fingers around Connor’s neck, pulling him even deeper into the kiss. They waddled haphazardly across the floor onto Jude’s bed, never once breaking contact.   
Jude felt Connor’s tongue lightly touch his lips, as if seeking approval for entry. Jude promptly opened his mouth, and breathed in Connor. Jude loved a lot of the feelings he got when he was with Connor, but he thought perhaps this might’ve been his favorite. The feeling of Connor’s arms around his waist, his full weight on top of him. Connor was a little heavy, but he was so warm. Fuck, he was so warm. His golden skin practically melted Jude’s ivory. They pulled away, and Connor laid his head next to Jude’s, their cheeks touching. They sat, almost panting. Both of them felt their blood pumping in their ears. Jude shivered, he felt Connors hands on his hips, sliding up underneath his shirt.   
“M-moms might be back soon…” Jude stuttered out. These sort of moments weren’t very new, but he still got a little skittish when it came to being physical with Connor.  
“Just keep your ears open, if you hear the door we’ll stop.” He said, pushing his face into Jude’s neck. His hands slid further up, pushing up Jude’s shirt. His warm fingers grazing all over the pale ribs protruding from Jude’s lower chest. They grazed over his little nipples, not looking for any point in particular. They simply wandered, feeling, and absorbing all the sensations they possibly could. Jude’s breath was ragged and his heart sounded something similar to hummingbird.   
“D-do you want me to stop?” Connor whispered anxiously, Jude’s lack of action had made him a little nervous. He started feeling a little like he was just taking advantage of Jude.   
“Are you kidding?”   
Connor chuckled and continued with his flesh exploration. His hands wandered downward, coming together at the thumbs, feeling the indentation of Jude’s belly button. He wiggled a finger around it and Jude laughed at the slight tickle.   
“I love you so fucking much. You’re so perfect.” Connor whispered in his boyfriend’s ear. Jude always found this sort of compliment so mind boggling. He always found Connor so attractive, somewhat resembling a Ken doll of sorts. Jude always saw himself as nothing much more than pale, socially awkward, and a little on the dorky side. But Connor saw so much more. And he let Jude know often, usually in these intense moments.   
“I know.” Jude said with a sarcastic smile.  
“Well I’m glad you finally agree.”  
He wrapped his arms around Jude and rolled over so that the smaller boy was on top of him. He thought about how light Jude was, and a brief image of himself picking up Jude and carrying him like a husband would carry a bride into a room on a honeymoon came to mind, making a smile stretch across his face.   
“Just what are you thinking about?” Jude asked after seeing Connor’s goofy grin.  
“Nothing.”   
“Nothing made you smile like an idiot?”  
“Nothing but you.”


	16. Chapter 16

_(3 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

“Huh!”  
Connor’s eyes fluttered, a brief touch on waking, but they quickly fell flat back into slumber.  
“Hm!”   
Another flutter touched wakeness, but he still only hung on being half awake.  
“Sto-! No!”   
This time, the high voice pierced through his sleep, and brought him to fully awake.  
He gathered his surroundings, he expected Jude’s tiny arms wrapped around him, maybe even his head on on his chest. But instead Jude was on the side of the bed.  
Connor’s eyes adjusted, realized that Jude was the source of the whimpering and yelling that woke him up. He reached over to shake Jude awake, but Jude flinched the second that his fingers grazed his arm. The small boy started shaking and jerking, spouting some half finished words and shrill yelps. Connor reached over and shook Jude and the boy shot up, so quickly that it scared Connor. His eyes were big, and he was halfway into saying ‘stop’.   
“Connor?”   
“Yeah, hey are you alright? You were yelling and shaking and stuff, you scared me. Is everything okay?”  
“Oh…yeah, just a bad dream I guess.” The boy said, still panting.  
Jude glanced down at himself and realized that he was positively wet with sweat. Even a few of his hairs were stuck to his forehead. He had minimized the weight of the dream to Connor with his tone and explanation, but this particular dream was positively terrifying.   
“Do you wanna talk about it? You were really scared.”  
Jude considered it, but he realized he couldn’t even remember the dream that had frightened him so much.  
“I don’t even remember what it was. It’s okay now.”  
Jude still had nightmares like this every now and then, they were infrequent and usually came on without any warning or reason. Although he really didn’t expect it tonight of all nights.  
Connor wasn’t really all that surprised at the fact that Jude had nightmares, this was the first one he had witnessed though. After all that Jude had been through, it would be expected.   
“Come here, you’re safe, okay?”  
He pulled the panting boy into his arms and squeezed him to his chest tightly. He felt the returned comfort of the small arms wrapping around him, bringing him back to the familiar comforted world.   
“Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He said, a little muffled in Connor’s chest.  
“Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault. I’m glad I was here to wake you up. I know I tell you this a lot, but you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”   
“Thank you. I just get these dreams sometimes. Usually they’re just memories. I don’t normally get loud enough to wake anyone up though.”  
“Memories? Like from the homes you’ve been to?”  
“Yeah. Just flashes here and there, always the worst ones too.”  
Connor felt so bad for Jude. He had told him a few times about the worst experiences he’d had, and Connor had cried all times while Jude managed to keep a straight face during all the conversations. The thought of someone bringing a hand or neglecting Jude was absolutely repulsive to Connor. He’d thought and said it to himself a few times, no one deserved to be treated the way his boyfriend had, but especially not Jude. Not this incredibly kind, sweet, and warm creature of comfort that he held in his arms.   
He glanced over at the alarm clock. 3 AM. He then looked down at Jude, who had already fallen back asleep, a soft snooze with his face entirely buried into Connor’s chest. Connor eased back down onto his back, careful to not disturb the boy clutching to him. To be honest he felt a little honored, and it made his heart swell to think that in all the turmoil that his boyfriend had been through, that he had chosen Connor to be his favorite source of relief and happiness. The feeling of being needed, the feeling of being something similar to a human security blanket, these were his favorites. Jude raised his leg up and placed it over Connor’s legs, a common thing that Jude tended to do when they slept next to each other. All of the warmth made Connor’s head a little hazy, and he soon joined Jude in his sleep.

A few miles away, a long haired light blonde boy was not so lucky. It was now 4:47, and he had yet to get a wink of sleep. And it wasn’t because he was browsing the internet or playing some game incessantly. In fact for the past few hours he had done nothing but lay on his bed with his eyes closed and his hands crossed beneath his chest, funeral style. He tried to do his own little form of meditation, to draw his attention away from the throbbing bruise he felt forming on his back.   
His adoptive mother had come home, and went into some violent zone about how the house was absolutely filthy, even though it was borderline spotless, and had taken a lamp and thrown it at Levi’s back when he tried to leave her alone in the kitchen. Then promptly apologized and shut herself in her room. These fits that his mother went into had gotten worse after her husband had left her a few months prior, just shortly after moving to San Diego. Before, she would only get flashes of anger, and he would be there to blow out her flame every time he saw her begin to go into an episode. But he had apologized to Levi that he could no longer deal with it, and that he would try his hardest to get sole custody, but his mother was going down swinging in their court battle. Their final date to decide who would receive custody was coming up in a little over a month, and it couldn’t come fast enough. Till then, Levi would have to make due with visits every other weekend to his father, and with as many visits with Jude as he could possibly get.   
He had analyzed Jude’s last visit a million times, replaying every little expression and response and subtlety. He’d decided next time he’d try to entertain Jude as well as he could, even looking up a few comic book shops and collector’s shops that had Star Wars memorabilia. He realized he’d spent a lot of time during his day zoning out and daydreaming about taking Jude to these places. These daydreams brought something to his attention. Was he dreaming about taking Jude on dates? Did people who were just friends do stuff like this? He really had no experience to compare to, he’d really never had any close friends. Nevertheless, he decided he liked these thoughts, they were his only source of comfort right now.

Jude woke up with a throbbing headache, and a dropping feeling in his stomach. He quickly untangled from Connor roughly, waking up the other boy, and he ran to the bathroom and vomited everything in his stomach, plus what felt like his guts and bones, and everything that he’s ever eaten.   
“Fuck.” He breathed. He vomited again, trying to keep as quiet as possible. Maybe if he kept quiet, he could keep his moms from knowing.  If he could, Connor could continue to stay here. He brushed his teeth, and wet a wash rag with cold water and soaked his face with it.   
His face was pale, a lot of his color gone, and he was pretty sure his moms would take one look at him and know. He’d have to stay under the radar today.   
“Jude are you ok-“   
“Shhh!!” Jude ran over to Connor and put his hand over his mouth.   
“What?” Connor whispered.  
“If my moms find out I’m sick they’re gonna make you go home!”  
“Jude you’re all sweaty and you’re throwing up, just tell them. I’ll beg them to let me help take care of you!”  
Ugh. He hated it, but Connor was right. Connor better beg like he’d never begged before. Part of him also was a little embarrassed, and he didn’t want Connor to see him all sick and sweaty like he was.   
“Maybe you should just go home, I mean I’m gonna be gross and throwing up all day.” Jude said quietly.   
“Are you joking? I’m not going home! This is my last weekend with you, and if I get to take care of you then that’s fine. As long as I’m here.”  
“Just remember, you wanted this.” Jude wandered to his moms’ bedroom, and suddenly he felt very lightheaded and leaned over and held the wall for a minute.   
“Whoa there, you okay?” Connor ran over and held Jude up under his arm.   
“Yeah I’m just a little lightheaded. I just threw up my stomach and half a lung, I’m not surprised.”  
“Hehe, here. Just go back to the bathroom, I’ll tell your moms for you.”  
“Thanks…” Jude grunted as Connor sat the boy onto the bathroom floor next to the toilet.   
Connor walked back over to Jude’s moms’ room and gave a gentle knock.  
“Come in!”  
“Oh, Connor. Good morning, what’s going on?” Lena asked.  
“Hey, uh, Jude is really sick. He just threw up and he’s all lightheaded and stuff, I think he has what Mariana has.”  
“Well I don’t doubt that, love. Well that kinda sucks. This is your last weekend here! So did you need one of us to take you home?” Stef asked.  
“Well I was gonna ask, do you think I could stay here and help take care of Jude?”  
“Oh honey I don’t think that’s a good idea. What if you get sick?”  
“It’s okay, I got my flu shot. And its not like I’ll be missing any school if I do. Please! Please!” Connor threw his hands together in a begging stance, a little dramatically.  
“Uhhh, as long as your dad says its okay. I guess I can’t argue.” Stef caved in.  
Jude heard Connor’s pleading voice from down the hall and he giggled.  
“Thank you thank you thank you!” Connor beamed as he ran out of the room and back to the bathroom.

Connor spent the day rubbing Jude’s back, stomach, and putting cool wet washrags on his forehead. Even though he hated seeing Jude sick, he couldn’t deny that he very much liked taking care of Jude. He made Jude soup and tried feeding him different things, although they all ended up in the toilet, so he just decided to let him rest. Jude laid down on the bed upside down, feet up on the pillows. Connor drew little circles over his stomach with his fingers per Jude’s request. But he was obviously more than happy to do so.   
“Thanks for doing this…I know its kinda weird. But Callie used to do it when my stomach was upset.”   
“I don’t mind. You can go to sleep if you want, you look really tired. You know I’ll still be here when you wake up.”  
“Ughhh, I don’t want to sleep our weekend away.” Jude groaned.  
“Ha, its not like we wouldn’t spend half our time in bed in our underwear anyway.” Jude had thrown up all over his pajamas in a failed attempt at getting to the bathroom in time, so Connor had just stripped him down and put him on the bed. Connor had kept a constant blush on his face, trying to keep Jude from realizing that every chance he got he was staring holes through him. Jude of course knew full well that Connor was eyeing him like a piece of meat, but in all actuality, he loved the attention. Sure Jude was a very modest person, but he was sick, borderline delirious, and who doesn’t love to be admired?   
Connor had actually had a lot of fun taking care of his boyfriend. As he continued scribbling little circles on Jude’s stomach, he began to think back to when he was about 7 years old and visited his younger cousin. His cousin was a young girl, about a year younger than Connor. She had tons of dolls and baby dolls, and had asked him to play house with her. Connor of course obliged. Connor had never been around anything girly really, and especially not dolls, but he soon realized actually rather liked them. His favorite part being when he had to take care of the baby doll.   
Jude’s moms made Connor take Jude’s temperature and give him some fever reducers and some other medicine one last time before the sick boy passed out for the evening. Connor was a little relieved that his fever had actually broke. He was still a little lightheaded, so Connor helped him get ready for bed and pulled a shirt over him and put him to bed the same way he did the doll. The boy’s eyes fluttered, fighting sleep ever so slightly, and then was out like a light.      
     Connor silently stepped away from the bed, and slipped downstairs to get himself something to eat. Lena was busy finished putting away some dishes.  
“Oh hey there.”  
“Heya!”  
“Thanks for taking care of Jude today, I’m sure he really appreciated it. How is he right now?”  
“He’s good, I just put him to bed.” He smiled a bit realizing it sounded a bit like he was talking about a small child, not that he didn’t think of Jude as one sometimes.  
“His fever is gone too.” Connor added.  
“Oh that’s good, he shouldn’t be contagious at least now. Are you sure you wanna stay another night here? If you wanna go home I can take you. I’m sure Jude would understand.”  
“Nah, thanks though. I kind of want to stay here and keep an eye on him.”  
“Oh okay, do you want me to make you a bed down here in the living room?”  
“No thanks, I’m gonna stay in Jude’s room, if that’s alright. In case he gets sick again or something.”  
“Sure. Well I’m heading to bed, behave yourself now.” Lena said with a smile.

Connor crawled into bed next to Jude, and even in his sleep, the boy wrapped his arms around Connor’s waist and sprawled his legs over his boyfriend’d. Connor played a couple games on his iPad, and watched a few episodes of some different shows on Netflix. He ended his night with a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead and a smile on his face.


	17. Chapter 17

_(2 DAYS TO DEPARTURE)_

     Warmth. The warm feeling of a face close to Jude’s. A little hot wind brushing over his face, a breath. A familiar slightly wet warm speckle on his forehead. A kiss. Contact, a hand on his cheek.  
Jude’s eyes fluttered, and then blinked in the light of his room. Or at least he tried to. Connor’s face was right in front of his, less than an inch away. A big goofy grin on his face. He laughed a little at Jude’s disgruntled expression which looked a little like an angry child.   
“Good morning. Or should I say, ‘good moaning’?” He said with a giggle.  
“Good morning…wait, huh?” It was much too early to be using any of his brain.  
“Good moaning.”  
“What does that mean?” Jude asked, his eyebrows still furrowed.  
“You tell me. You woke me up this morning.”  
“How? Did I have another nightmare or something?” He didn’t remember having one, but he did remember dreaming about something….”FUCK!” He thought.  
“Wait, what did I say?” A flush began to build in Jude’s cheeks.   
Connor closed his eyes from laughing so hard. Jude’s face was completely blushed, especially when he completely recalled the rather…well, explicit nature of his dream.  
“I had no idea you’d be so vocal, Jude.” Connor managed to get out between his laughs.  
“What did I say?!” He said, a little irritated.  
“Plenty. Mostly my name though. Well that, and the word ‘harder’.”  
“Oh, God.” Jude put his palms over his face, trying his best to conceal his complete and utter humiliation.  
“Oh its okay!” Connor reached and wrapped his hands around Jude’s wrists, pulling his hands down from his face. “You’re lucky I woke you up though, otherwise your moms might’ve thought we were actually doing something.”  
“UGHHH, I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t weird you out.” Jude growled.  
“Are you serious? I’m really flattered!” Connor put his hand under his chin and did a dramatic pose.  
“You’re an idiot.” Jude managed to grunt out, finally completely awake. He realized he felt much better than he had the night before, his stomach pain completely gone, left only with a dull throbbing in his head.   
“Well now that you’re all the way awake, I think I should tell you, you’re poking me.”   
“Huh?” Jude thought about what Connor said, and realized Connor’s leg was between his, Connor’s hips level with his own, and…  
“Oh my God.” Jude’s embarrassment would never end. He recoiled and whipped his legs out from around Connor’s, and rolled completely over. Connor continued to laugh until he was out of breath.   
He knew he was embarrassing Jude, but in all honestly none of this bothered him at all. How could it? He thought a lot about Jude in that way when he was alone, but he always wondered if Jude did too. It was a little surprising. Jude always seemed so innocent, even when he did provocative things to Connor it always felt a little out of place.   
“Awww don’t be like that.” Connor wrapped his arms around Jude’s waist and pulled himself until he was completely against the smaller boy, and buried his face in the back of Jude’s neck.  
“Its okay that you’re a little pervert. “ He said quietly with a small kiss to the back of Jude’s neck.  
“I hate you. I really really do.”   
“Yeah yeah yeah.” The blonde smiled into the brunette’s neck and placed another kiss there, sending goose bumps all over the smaller boy.

“So how are you feeling today?” Lena asked.  
“Much better. Just a little headache.”  
“Great. I was hoping your last weekend wouldn’t be ruined.” Lena said between a few bites of her breakfast.  
“Yeah, but looking at the weather it doesn’t look like we’ll be doing much today anyway.”  
A dark grey sky had overcast San Diego, a light mist had filled the air, and a small drizzle covered everything.   
“Alright, well if you need me to take you anywhere just let me know.”   
“Actually, mama, do you think you could take us to the rental place? I wanted to get a few movies and have a little marathon since its so groggy outside.”  
“I don’t see why not. Just tell me when you’re ready and we’ll head over.”  
Their final days were almost up, and before Connor had told Jude he was moving away, Jude had had this plan for a date for quite some time. He was going to give Connor a Star Wars Marathon.   
Both Jude and Connor were both stricken with Saturday morning laziness, and found it hard to dress in anything except sweats and t shirts. They sat next to each other in the backseat of the car, keeping their legs close together. Is there really a better feeling than someone else’s pants against your pants? Jude leaned his head over on Connor’s shoulder and let out a relaxed sigh. Connor wrapped his hand around Jude’s. It still made Connor smile at how small his hands were compared to his own. So small and gentle like a child.

Lena dropped them off and just decided to wait in the car for them while they picked out the movies.  
“So what did you have in mind?” Connor asked.  
“Well, I planned to make a date for us a while back doing this, but I know you’ve never seen them all.”  
“Oh lord, are you really-“  
“YES!” Jude interjected. “WE ARE HAVING A STAR WARS MARATHON. ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY!” The smaller boy said a little too excitedly.  
Connor pretended to be annoyed, but in all reality he couldn’t do much more than stare at Jude during the time it took him to find the movies. He really thought it was cute, how giddy Jude became whenever he talked about these movies, or anything nerdy he was really into in general. Sometimes he would even ask questions he really didn’t care about the answer to. Just to see Jude get excited. They walked to the cashier with his stack of 6 movies, the smaller boy looking very proud.  
“Having a marathon today?” The lady asked.  
“Yeah! This one here has never seen them all, so it’s my duty to make sure he’s well educated.”   
Connor smiled and sighed, and wrapped an arm around Jude’s shoulders while the cashier checked them out. It caught Jude a little by surprise, Connor wasn’t usually the one for PDA.   
“You’re lucky I love you.” Connor said just loud enough so that the cashier could hear, and left a chaste kiss on Jude’s cheek. Jude immediately blushed and whipped his head around in every direction instinctively, checking for disapproving spectators. There wasn’t anyone around, but the cashier of course saw and heard. She did nothing but smile sweetly at them, and handed them the bag with the movies.  
“You cuties have fun!” Even though the cashier obviously had no problem with them, Jude’s blush stayed even after they got back into the car.

Once home, they quickly made their way back to Jude’s room, and Jude popped the disk into the player. He padded back to the bed, and climbed underneath the covers, snuggling up under Connor’s arm and against his chest. Connor squeezed the boy even closer to him, trying to capture some of the warmth radiating off of him. Jude turned on his side, and laid his arm across Connor’s stomach.   
“How did you even get into these movies?” Connor asked.  
“Oh…well the last home I was in, before this one, in my room there was a TV and a DVD player, but no cable or anything. And I wasn’t allowed to watch the one in the living room. When I was cleaning out a closet one day I found a box set of them, and so I would rewatch them a whole lot. Even enough to recite all the lines by heart.” Jude chuckled a bit at the end, trying to lighten the subject of his words. Connor was hit by a wave a guilt, as he usually was when anything regarding Jude’s past came up. He always felt a little ungrateful. He had had toys, friends, and pretty much anything he’d ever wanted. Connor wished so much that he could’ve given Jude all the things that he’d ever wanted too.  
He silently watched Jude as the movie played, seeing him smile in anticipation of certain scenes, and how excitedly he’d say “Watch this part!” How was he ever going to leave this boy?Connor made it about 45 minutes into the first movie when he leaned over and gave a soft kiss to Jude’s temple. Jude shivered at the sudden warm wetness on his face.  
“What’s up?” He asked, surprised by the sudden gesture.  
“Nothing. I just felt like kissing you.” Both boys blushed. Connor almost laughed at himself, thinking about how he would see cheesy lines in romantic comedies, and always wonder what kind of person said those kinds of things. Now he had become the kind of person that said cheesy romantic things.   
“Y-You’re an idiot.” Jude said, a little flustered.  
Connor placed another kiss at Jude’s jaw, and another at his neck. Jude shivered and flinched, giggling at the tickling sensation.   
He decided to calm down a bit, and let Jude continue watching the movie, and let Jude continue believing that Connor was watching as well. It was during moments like these that he’d randomly think of Daria, and his, well, ‘relationship’ with her. If you could call it that. Nothing about anything with Daria felt real. Nothing felt like it hit anywhere beneath the surface. You’d think that it might’ve grossed Connor out. That it might have repulsed him. But it wasn’t that at all. It was just…nothing. It had the same emotional equivalent of doing the dishes. Or taking out the trash. It was tiresome. And nothing more. He recalled making out in front of Jude so many times, and how he felt so disgusted with himself every time he felt Jude’s eyes on him. It didn’t bother him one bit when anyone else saw him kiss Daria. But the second that he realized Jude’s eyes were on him something in his stomach dropped. Every cell in his body wanted to shove Daria as hard and as far as he possibly could. To drop to his knees and tell Jude not to leave. Connor remembered the day that Jude had lied to him and told him that he had a family camping trip just so he wouldn’t have to see Connor. Or rather, to be more correct, to see Connor with Daria. He’d gone to his next class with his head hung low, and asked to be excused to the bathroom only 5 minutes into class. He went into a stall and sat down and immediately burst into tears. He imagined that Jude was in front of him and sobbed even harder. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You’re the only one that matters, but I can’t be as brave as you. I’m so fucking weak. You’re the only one.”   
Connor snapped back to the real world, eyes a little misty, not from any sort of belated sadness though. He was so thankful that it was all behind them, now he had forever to explore every facet of happiness with Jude. He squeezed Jude to him once more. He closed his eyes and inhaled the familiar scent that warmed his insides and softened his entire world. Some sort of coconut shampoo, the hair mousse, and something else that he could never quite put his finger on. But this unidentifiable portion of the scent was the strongest. It raised the hair on the back of his neck on end, it sent shivers down his spine, and made everything okay. This portion was in a sense, the difference between a relationship with Jude, and a relationship with Daria or anyone else for that matter. Jude shook, broke, fixed, and just completely fucked up everything beneath the surface. He gave life vibrancy and vividness. This boy in his arms was sensation incarnate.   
    At this point, they were about ¼th of the way into Episode 4. Jude had ended up laying basically entirely on Connor. Jude laid on his back on top of Connor, who had his legs opened slightly so that Jude could fit his between them. Connor had one hand on top of Jude’s, his fingers filling the spaces between his boyfriend’s. His other hand had found its way under Jude’s shirt where it drew little circles over his stomach. The blond rested his chin on the brunette’s shoulder.  
Connor laid his hand down flat on Jude’s stomach, and raised his shirt up a bit so that he could rub an even larger area. Jude took in a sharp inhale as his boyfriend explored his smooth stomach. Eventually his fingers began to run right along the waistband of his boxers that rose just above his sweats. They stayed there for a while, before one of the fingers began to run just underneath it. Connor waited for a moment for assurance. No resistance came, and the fingers continued their tiny wandering just under the flap of the waistband.   
Jude’s hand suddenly shot up and grabbed Connor’s wrist. He instinctively began to pull back and started to apologize. But before he could the hand pushed his far into the boxers.   
Jude gasped at the sudden contact to his most private of areas.   
“Y-you can keep going. I don’t mind.”  
Connor was breathless. He felt lightheaded and he could hear his heartbeat in his ears. He grasped what he found in the boxers.   
Jude slid over slightly and reached and slid his own hand down the front of Connor’s pants.   
“Hah…” Connor gasped.  
Connor wasn’t a boy of many words, and especially at this moment, the only word he could ever use to describe what was happening was “right.” Nothing had ever felt more right.   
Jude tilted his head and made eye contact.   
“I…uh…I want you.”  
“You have me.” Connor said with a chuckle.   
“I mean, I WANT you.”  
It took a minute for Connor to realize what Jude had meant, and his mouth opened, searching for words.   
“I want you too.”


	18. Chapter 18

_(1 DAY TO DEPARTURE)_

      Sometimes life is just perfect. Obviously sometimes it can be a real piece of shit for a long fucking time, but sometimes it really is just perfect. Sometimes everything falls perfectly into place like some elaborate masterpiece mosaic. And this particular morning, or rather, morning after, really was perfect.   
   Connor had thought about what it would be like to make love to Jude often. He imagined how things might change in a million different ways, but one way he didn’t expect to change was that he felt possessive over Jude now. Well, he was his boyfriend, so obviously he was a little possessive, as one should be. But after last night, they way he now felt about Jude was similar to the way that a child felt about a toy that he didn’t want to share. His arm was wrapped around Jude’s waist tightly, but this time around Connor had his leg on top of Jude’s. Connor played the big spoon, and wrapped himself around Jude as if to say “You’re mine.” He felt as if he had now marked his territory. Jude was his. No one else’s.   
    Jude also had thought about what it would be like to make love to Connor. Often. But no image he could have conjured in his head could’ve compared to the level of perfection he felt it really was. Sure, he had made himself into a liar to Lena. He had promised her that he and Connor would not be having sex for a while to come, and that they would use a condom. But both of those turned out to be promises that he didn’t keep. But in all reality he wasn’t really worried about it. But what he was worried about is that whether or not he would be walking funny for today. He also worried about whether Connor would be walking funny too.   
     Jude had slept very lightly, not because of stress or anything but simply because he was a little too giddy after what they did to do very much sleeping. Connor on the other hand had worn himself out. Jude heard Connor’s light snoring stop and the blonde let out a small grunt and began to stretch.   
“Morning, sleeping beauty.”  
“Moooorning” Connor yawned.  
Jude rolled over so that he was facing Connor. He placed his small hands on Connor’s hips.   
“Thank you.” Jude said, barely above a whisper.  
“For what?” Connor asked groggily.  
“For…you know. I um, liked it.” Jude blushed, his words left him in his time of need.   
Connor let out a laugh at Jude’s awkwardness.  
“Well I would hope so. I did too. Babe.” He placed a sarcastic emphasis at the word ‘babe’, and laughed. Jude smiled back and leaned forward to place a gentle but firm kiss to Connor’s lips.  
The larger boy wrapped his arms around Jude’s neck and pulled him in deeper to the kiss.   
They broke about a minute into the session, a little out of breath.  
“If you don’t quit that we might need a round 2.”  
“You mean round 3?” Jude asked.  
Before Connor could respond he heard Jude’s moms’ bedroom door open, and they quickly broke apart and pretended to check their phones.   
“Time to get up, boys. Connor’s dad should be here any minute.” Lena said as she stood in the doorway.  
Connor groaned and stretched once more. It really should be a crime to be ripped away, especially when his brain was flooded with the emotional equivalent of cupcake frosting.   
“Okay, give me a minute. I’m not fully functional yet.” Connor said.  
Lena chuckled and stepped away. The boys waited to get up given the fact that they were both in their underwear and didn’t really feel the need to explain why.  
Connor slid off the bed and stood up and felt his hips strain.   
“Well, I’m sore.”  
“You’re telling me.” Jude groaned as he stood up, feeling everything behind him  below his waist flinch in pain.   
“Well I hope it was at least worth it for you. Sorry you’re hurt, but on my end it was totally worth having you be in pain all day.”  
Jude’s face turned absolutely crimson.  
“W-well you only had to play wife for like 5 minutes!”   
“It’s not my fault you didn’t las-“   
“SHHHHHHH!” Jude hissed as he quickly snatched his hand over Connor’s mouth who couldn’t help but laugh at his boyfriend’s embarrassment.   
“Play wife though? That’s what you call it?” Connor said with a snicker as Jude lifted his hand off of his mouth. Jude said nothing but continued to blush.  
“Well thank you. Really, for ya know, ‘playing wife’ for a lot longer than me.” Connor put up air quotation marks around ‘playing wife’.   
“Its fine…I mean it felt good after I managed to keep from dying at first.” Jude was speaking barely above a whisper now.   
“Okay I hear your family getting up. We probably need to keep it rated G now.”  
Connor walked up behind Jude as he was putting his pants on.   
“Remember, you’re mine.” He whispered just before planting a soft kiss on his cheek.

“Ready to go?” Adam asked as Connor lugged his overnight bag down the stairs.  
“Not really.” Connor said, a little more coldly than he would’ve liked. He really wasn’t feeling particularly more bitter towards his father more than usual today, but he had to admit he was feeling more than inconvenienced at having to leave Jude’s side. But Adam had insisted they have one more day together before he left.   
Adam said nothing and simply ignored the remark, after all he couldn’t really blame the boy. Adam was the sole reason for his son leaving the only person who could completely understand what he was going through.  
    Jude padded down the stairs after Connor.   
“I’ll see you tomorrow morning, I love you.” Jude said, the last part of the sentence being still slightly quieter than the rest of it.   
“Okay, love you too.” They placed a quick kiss on each other’s lips, somewhat on purpose to emotionally stab Adam.   
    The ride home with Connor and his dad was dead silence for the most part. Any attempt on Adam’s part to make conversation had been quickly cut down with short and usually one word answers.  
“So are you still sure you want to take a train to LA tomorrow? I can drive you if you want.”  
Adam asked, a bit nervously.  
“Yeah.” Connor said flatly.  
Adam really wasn’t surprised at the answer, but it was worth a try.

Levi loved the rain, but he wasn’t above appreciating when the weather was nice. It was still a bit cloudy out, but just enough to cool down San Diego and block out the sun. He crawled out of bed about 15 minutes before noon, still much earlier than his mom usually slept on Sundays. He sent his mother a text to let her know where he was when she woke up.  
“Went to the skate park. Be back later.”   
Although he really wasn’t going to the skate park, but rather a small clearing within the forest that surrounded the park. The park was about 3 miles away from his house, but on that particular day, walking didn’t seem so bad. Levi put on his shoes and brought a jacket with him in the event that the sky decided to pour down. He grabbed his earphones and put them in and began his walk. He had recently discovered a singer called The Weeknd and especially liked the trance-like ambient sound that a lot of the music had. The zoned out state that the music often put him in was very much appreciated.   
Levi walked down the streets, his eyes wandered all around him, but his mind was at an opposite end of the universe from where his feet hit the ground. Time slid past him without him even noticing, as well as song after song. Eventually he finally reached the park, where he was relieved to find that no one was there. More importantly, no one was there that he knew.  
Levi reached the edge of the forest and wandered between the trees in the old familiar path that he knew so well.   
The long haired boy knelt down and felt the ground to see if it was still wet from the day before. Luckily it was dry. He laid down on the soft earth and kicked off his shoes. Reaching into his jacket pocket, the boy pulled out a small white tube, made out of paper tightly wrapped around a certain dried up green plant. His opposite hand pulled out a small lighter that met the tube and lit it. Levi inhaled the thick pungent smoke and let it fill his mouth, and then sucked it deep into his lungs. He briefly closed his eyes and released the clouds from his chest. His disconnected zoned out state deepened, and the stress left his bones. The thoughts slowed down, the worries became cloudy, and the scars became more shallow.   
    His eyes fluttered and traveled across the clouds in the sky before closing. His mind traveled over the thoughts that positive, even if they were a little more rare than his regular thoughts, and eventually they traveled over to Jude. Especially Jude’s face. The shaggy haired boy found himself paying more attention to the looks of boys recently. But none of them had the vulnerability and the endearment of Jude’s looks. Boys were…well boys. He had attempted to talk to a few boys in his class, but none of them seemed capable of talking about any subject deeper than video games and girls. But he found himself able to talk to Jude about pretty much anything. They texted regularly now, still usually about things of no particular meaning. But the fact that he COULD tell anything to Jude still meant a whole awful lot.   
“I wonder if Jude would be willing to smoke with me.” He wondered. “Jude seems like a pretty good kid, probably too good to smoke weed,” Levi reasoned. But he stored the possibility away for another day, perhaps after Connor was gone. Along with the possibility of Connor getting pissed at him for offering Jude weed. It still seemed like it would be a really nice experience though. Right now these were the only two things that made him feel comfortable and content, weed and Jude.

      Connor flopped down on his bed, taking a moment of rest before his planned lunch with his dad. Still a little flustered from the past nights events, he took a deep breath and let everything replay in his head.   
“I had sex with Jude.” This same sentence repeated itself in his head over and over, still somewhat surprised it happened. But it made him laugh a bit, he felt really proud of himself. He almost pictured Jude as a trophy wife for a brief moment, then laughed out loud. But with all the rose colored images in his head, of course there would be a bit of aftershock of anxiousness over what Jude really thought of it. Did Jude actually enjoy it? Sure, he’d said he did, but if he didn’t how would even say it? Jude wasn’t the type of person to be like “That sucked. Never again.” He was too nice for that. But surely he would’ve said something during, if it was really that bad. Right? Right?! Connor went around in circles, and decided to leave it and just text him about it later. He got ready and changed for his lunch with his dad, and headed out the door, leaving the insecure thoughts behind.   
     Jude was in a similar state of mind. Except he’d chosen the shower as his site for his mind to run in circles. The water rinsed away the sweat and excitement of the night, and he closed his eyes to concentrate more deeply on what was in his head.   
“Whoa.” Is the only thing his mind was capable of thinking. He wasn’t a little boy anymore. Jude felt his own little sense of pride swell, and he even laughed to himself over a cliche manly phrase that happened to pop in his head. He had managed to bag himself a blonde. But Jude had loved every minute of it, both physically and emotionally. There really wasn’t anyone he would’ve rather shared the experience with. Of course Jude also had a little bit of his own insecurity over whether or not Connor enjoyed it just as much, but due to Connor’s exuberance and enthusiasm that Jude witnessed during, it was much more short-lived than Connor’s anxiety. He smiled to himself once more before turning off the water, and decided it was a bittersweet experience. Wonderful in that it was the beautiful intimate moment that he wouldn’t want any other way with anyone else, but sad in the fact that it had happened only just before Connor was to leave. But he reveled in the fact that it was the memories of this sort of thing that would keep him alive during Connor’s time away.


	19. Chapter 19

_(DAY OF DEPARTURE)_

      This is the end of days. This is the end times. And its at the end that we appreciate all the discoveries and new experiences that made us think the days go by so slowly that we never realized that they were actually going too fast. And so like we all do, Jude and Connor spent their last moments together in their heads, replaying all their favorite experiences. Savoring and glorifying the sensations and vibrancy of all those little things and big things alike. Looking back, all the moments were so imperfect, so reckless, so irrational. But would they be as important, as impactful, if they weren’t? Aren’t these the things that make something worth remembering?

     Jude had woken up much earlier than Connor by hours. He was awake at 4 AM, even though Connor’s train wasn’t to leave until 11 AM. He took an hour long bath instead of a shower. The steaming bath water cooked out any left over stress that he might’ve had. There was no more time to weep and wallow over anything that was to be. All of Jude’s internal ocean had made peace. He slowly got ready at his own pace, and he found that things were perfectly aligned for yet another day. His hair was compliant to work with him today, and it turned out exactly how he wanted it, even though its length was getting to the point where it would barely stick up any more and it threatened to fall over his face. He picked out a baseball jersey that he had found while shopping, and it was rather unique, it was the only jersey he’d ever seen that was solid black in color, with no writing or numbers on it. He paired it with a pair of stone washed grey jeans and a pair of black Vans. Baseball influences, how fitting. It was now 6:30, and the plan was for Jude to skip school today and to get to Connor’s house around 7 AM to have a little more time together before he saw him off to the train station. He walked into his moms’ room where Lena was getting ready.  
“You ready bubba?”   
“Yeah” Jude said quietly.   
The car ride was quiet and somber, and Lena understood. She knew it was better that Jude be alone with his thoughts.   
“Adam’s dropping you off afterwards right?”   
“Yeah. A fun car ride alone together.” Jude chuckled a bit, and Lena was a bit relieved that Jude was feeling at least a little okay.   
“Alright, love you. I’ll see you after work okay?”  
“Okay, love you.”

Adam was already awake, and he was in the living room waiting for Jude to arrive. He heard Jude knock and was there within seconds.   
“Oh, hi Mr. Stevens.” Jude said meekly.   
“Just call me Adam. Uh, Connor’s still asleep, so you’re more than welcome to wake him up.” Adam laughed quietly, trying to be as friendly as possible. Jude was still always caught off guard when Adam acted civil and friendly towards him.  
“Oh, okay. Thanks.” He awkwardly said and then walked past Adam and up the stairs to the familiar room. Except he noticed that the room wasn’t as familiar. All of Connor’s belongings except for a few trinkets here and there had been packed up. The furnishings had been left pretty much bare. He walked over to the sleeping boy and smiled at the usual quiet snore that left his mouth. He raised his hand to shake Connor awake, but he stopped, and studied his peaceful face. The blonde had spread out all over his bed, and a tiny bit of drool leaked from the side of his mouth. His hair stuck up in every direction. Even though Connor looked an absolute mess, Jude noticed the complete serenity that was unfolded in front of him. The serenity that Connor had always carried and brought to his life.   
Even though Jude had had many new people in his life that shed a blinding light onto the darkness called loneliness, no one’s light had shone quite as bright as this boy’s. So much time had been spent being an outsider looking in, and for so long he had thought it was because he was a foster kid, and because he had no family, and because of an overall sensitivity that no kids seemed to ever have besides him. But the real reason he knew now, was something that he could never quite put a name on. But it was okay, because Connor had this unnamed curse they were both blessed with. This sharing of similar experiences and perceptions, this was something that he would never again have on this level. Even if life were to separate them, and even if they didn’t end up together forever, even if Jude wanted it, this would never be replicated with anyone else.   
Over the course of life, a person will experience love so many times that we’re unsure if we ever stop experiencing it. But the thing is, you will never experience the same type of love twice.  You will never be able to successfully compare one love to another. To do so is comparing apples and oranges, or even an apple to a hammer.   
Jude barely noticed that he had been standing there watching him for about 15 minutes before he finally saw Connor’s lashes flutter, and then squeeze shut, and then flutter again, and then lick his lips.   
“Good morning.” Connor croaked out.  
“Good morning to you.”  
“How are you up so early and not even tired?”  
“I don’t know. Why are you up?”  
“I felt someone staring at me.” Jude blushed a little, feeling a little like a popular Twilight character for staring at his boyfriend his sleep for so long. Connor raised up and tried to blink and rub the sleep away from his eyes.   
“Sorry, I just don’t wanna forget what you look like.” Jude said as he sat down next to his boyfriend.   
“Hey! Don’t say that, you’re gonna see me all the time.”  
“If this isn’t the end then why does it feel like it is?”  
The bleak tone of voice Jude had used to utter those words made it feel like someone had set a load of cinderblocks onto Connor’s chest. Even he couldn’t deny the validity of the question. It really did feel like the end.   
“Well…It is the end. For now. But its not like I won’t be back. I can’t live without ‘cha for that long. Even if in a few months my dad is still an asshole, I’ll at least be able to deal with it then.”  
“I know. I don’t know why I’m talking about this still. You’re leaving.”  
They sat in bed for another two hours, not talking, just the occasional session of kissing and feeling. But they didn’t need to talk. Everything that needed to be said had been said. The only thing left to say was goodbye.   
Connor was grateful he had packed up everything the night before perfectly. All the more time to spend with Jude, not a second wasted on having to worry about if he remembered everything.  
They ate the entirety of breakfast not even a few inches between each others, with their arms on the inside touching, never moving, using their outside arms to scoop the cereal to their mouths. Even Adam’s exterior was melted and broken by the hurricane of guilt that this was entirely his fault. His inability to show vulnerability, compassion, and lack of ability to accept change had brought about this. He had set about the end of days in motion. And every fiber of his being knew it. He felt the somberness and low cast emotions in the air, and they burned him.

They spent another hour just watching TV in silence before it was time to leave. The car ride to the train station was equally as silent. Just intertwined hands and a head laid on a shoulder.   
So now the time had come. These last words would stain each other’s mouths for a long time to come, and all three of them knew it. Jude decided he would let Adam say what he needed to say first.  
“Well, here we are. Um, you know I always love you no matter what. And I know I’ve said it before, but I-I” a stifled sob cut his words in half “I’m so sorry that I can’t be the dad you need me to be right now. I’m sorry I can’t be like Stef and Lena and I can’t be good enough for you right now. But I know I can be. And what I’m more worried about than anything is that you might not ever forgive me for being such a total jackass these past months. I’m not entirely sure I’ll even be able to forgive myself for making you have to leave.”  A small tear managed to wiggle its way out of Adam’s eye and streaked itself down his cheek.   
“Dad, it’s okay.” Connor didn’t know how to comfort his dad. What he said was a lie. He didn’t forgive his dad, it wasn’t okay, and he felt sorry for him. But most of all he felt sorry for this situation. He shouldn’t have to do this, he shouldn’t have to leave the person he loved most, and it was all Adam’s fault and all three of them knew it. Connor didn’t have anything else to say to his dad.  
“I love you.”  
“I love you too, son. No matter what, okay?”  
“Okay.”  
“I’ll leave you and Jude alone for a bit, I’ll be back.”  
Adam walked away to the restrooms and the boys waited until he was out of sight to talk.  
“I-“ Jude started, but was quickly silenced by a cry balling up in his throat and a flood in his eyes.  
“I love you.” Jude managed to squeak out. “Fuck, I wasn’t gonna cry dammit!” They both started giggling.  
“I love you too. I’m gonna miss you so fucking much. But if you decide that you might miss me even little I’m only a phone call away.”  
“You’re an idiot. I miss you already and you haven’t even left yet.” Jude was shaking and speaking with a soaking wet face at this point.   
“3A TO LOS ANGELES NOW BOARDING” a voice on the intercom interrupted.  
“Well, this is it. I guess I’ll see you around then?”  
“Duh. I’ll be back you know?” Even Connor couldn’t keep the tears from rolling.  
They exchanged one last long deep hug, a long kiss, and lingering eye contact.  
“Bye.”  
“See ya.”   
Adam came back and said his last goodbye, and got his own hug in. They watched Connor board the train, and Adam stretched an arm around Jude’s shoulders.  
Even the surprise of this act of kindness and affection couldn’t keep the wolves away.  
Jude felt them bite and tear apart his spirit at once. The great big void opened up, and the familiar coldness crept through his bones and hollowed out his stomach, swallowed up his pride and comfort, and ate his self assurance whole. For the first time in a long, long time…Jude was alone.

**Author's Note:**

> One really important note here: the poster here is not the author. I am benjji2795 and I am posting this fic for theenvygreen under a pseudonym with their permission. Please direct all comments about the fic to theenvygreen.tumblr.com. Thanks! :)


End file.
